Week 1
Pregame

Jared branded his fantasy team with a registered trademark symbol. An actual ®, on a 7-7 outfit that finished eighth and won two consolation games nobody watched. The robot handed him the best draft grade in the league anyway, docking him only for stashing a tight end in a league with zero tight end slots, so last Wednesday he quietly dumped Isaiah Likely for Jonah Coleman like a man clearing his browser history before the report card gets read out loud. Jarrod cannot enjoy any of that, because he went 3-11, finished dead last, and lost to Jared twice: 134.96 to 120.14, then 87.04 to 67.5, and that 67.5 was the worst goddamn game he played all year. He's got three Questionable starters and a tight end in a flex slot. Jared by ten, and he'll be unbearable about it.

Chris did not draft a kicker. Chris did not draft a defense. Both of those holes are still sitting there tonight, a day before the season starts, which means unless he wakes the hell up he is spotting Holli two zeroes before a football gets thrown. The parts he did fill are also wrong: Jayden Reed is projected 10.9 on his bench while Courtland Sutton starts at 8.8. He never bothered to name the team either, which tracks for a guy who lost his last eight games of 2025, finished tenth, and bottomed out at 65.7. Holli went 8-6, took third, and beat him 129.0 to 95.42 in week eleven without appearing to concentrate. She reached on Javonte Williams in the third and it still won't matter. Holli by seventeen. Fill your fucking roster, Chris.

Joey runs this league and drafted zero kickers, which is a fire marshal buying a house with no smoke detector. He patched it last Wednesday by signing Spencer Shrader and dropping Mark Andrews, swapping one position he can't start for another. He did steal Mahomes at 126, the best value of the draft, and the robot still ranked him eighth. Beth is the reigning champion, went 10-4, won her final six, then took three tight ends for a league with no tight end slot, which got her a C and eleventh out of twelve. Here's the stat both of you should sit with: Joey's highest score of 2025 and his lowest both came against Beth, 176.6 and 72.92. Joey by four, because four of her starters are Questionable and his kicker at least has a job.

Ally spent pick twenty on a kicker and pick twenty-nine on a defense while Saquon Barkley and Ashton Jeanty sat on the board breathing. The robot gave her a D, last in the league, and the lineup she plans to run out includes Jordyn Tyson, who is on injured reserve and projected for a clean 0.0, next to two tight ends in a league with no tight end slot. Last year she put up a 39.22 in a week that counted and finished eleventh. Morgan is no genius either: Lamar at sixteen in a one-quarterback league, Bo Nix drafted behind him, three straight losses to end the season. But she beat Ally twice last year, one of them in the consolation bracket, where two bad teams fight over a ribbon. Morgan by twenty-three and she can do it half asleep.

Ben scored more per week than anybody in this league last season, 132.38 a game, and never once dropped below 98.72. He finished 7-7. Leading a twelve-team league in scoring and going .500 takes a rare talent for losing the exact games that matter, and Ben has it. So of course he drafted two quarterbacks and two tight ends for a league that starts one and zero, and left them to rot on a four-man bench. He did end Ryan's season 109.54 to 93.5 in the winners bracket. Ryan went 9-5, finished sixth, then lost both of his playoff games, which is a classier way of quitting in December. He also named his team after Chris Olave, the third-best projected receiver on his own roster. Ryan by two, decided by something stupid, and both of them will blame the projections.

Nicole has the top projected score of anyone this week at 116.0 and the second-best draft grade, and none of that has ever done a thing for her against Lauren, who beat her twice last year and held her to 74.6 and 77.24. The 74.6 was the worst week Nicole had all season. Her quarterback is second-year Jaxson Dart because he is the only one she drafted, she was so short a defense that she signed the Lions last Wednesday, dropping Tyler Allgeier, and four starters plus her kicker are Questionable. Lauren is no cleaner: she burned the thirteenth overall pick on Jalen Hurts in a one-quarterback league, earned a C+, went 10-4, and lost the goddamn title game. Nicole by nine, and if she blows this one too she should just mail Lauren the trophy.