Week 1
Postgame
Week 1 is over and the two best scores in the league belong to a woman who lost A.J. Brown to an injury and still cleared 150, and a woman whose quarterback cost her thirteenth overall, while Nicole put up 148.3 and lost by 1.32 to prove God has a sense of humor. Six games, two upsets, one decided by four tenths of a point, and Chris played the whole damn thing with two empty starting slots.
High score
Holli led the league with 150.6, and she did it after A.J. Brown got hurt and left with 5.1 points. Bijan Robinson went for 33.4, Trevor Lawrence for 26.8, and she still left 10.1 on the bench because winning by 46.78 apparently wasn't enough of a statement.
Low score
Ben scored 89.26, the worst in the league, on a projection of 132.3. Saquon Barkley gave him 11.0 and De'Von Achane gave him 11.2 on projections of 21.9 and 21.2. His perfect lineup would have been 99.6. He couldn't have reached a hundred if you'd let him cheat.
Blowout
Holli beat Chris 150.6 to 103.82, a 46.78-point margin and the widest of the week. Chris's own best lineup was 146.22, which means even with perfect hindsight and both empty slots filled he still loses this game. That's not a loss, that's a diagnosis.
Closest
Morgan beat Ally 97.46 to 97.06. Four tenths of a point, the smallest margin of the week, between two teams that both scored under a hundred. Two people fought for forty minutes of Sunday over who got to be the sixth-best loser and Morgan won by less than a completed pass.
Left on the bench
Chris left 42.4 points on his bench, the most in the league, headlined by Jalen Coker and his 31.8. He also had two empty starting slots the entire week. So he benched 42 points, started nobody at two positions, and lost by 46.78. The math on that is almost artistic.
Top: Derrick Henry 39.7
Dud: Jaylen Waddle 0.7Left 6.7 on the bench
Top: Justin Jefferson 28.7
Dud: Houston Texans 0.0Left 10.3 on the benchJared's Kicker Scored One Point, Won Anyway
Jared won 126.66 to 113.72 because Derrick Henry decided to score 39.7 on a 20.9 projection, which is the only reason the trademark guy gets to be smug this week. Jaylen Waddle gave him 0.7 on a 15.2 projection and Harrison Mevis put up a single point, and he won by 12.94 anyway. Jarrod lost because his defense, Houston, scored a clean 0.0, and because his kicker Tyler Loop outscored his quarterback, 14.0 to Drake Maye's 13.02. He also started a tight end in a league with no tight end slot and had Jared Goff's 16.64 rotting on his bench. Puka Nacua: 10.9 on a 22.1 projection. Nothing about this was good football.
Jared 126.66, Jarrod 113.72, margin 12.94. Jarrod's DEF: 0.0. Jarrod's kicker outscored his QB, 14.0 to 13.02.Box score
| 126.7 | Points | 113.7 |
| 140.3 | Projected | 120.3 |
| 133.4 | Best possible | 124.0 |
| 6.7 | Left on bench | 10.3 |
| 0 | Starters with 0 | 1 |
Top: Bijan Robinson 33.4
Dud: A.J. Brown 5.1Left 10.1 on the bench
Top: Kenneth Walker 38.9
Dud: Kyler Murray -0.2Left 42.4 on the bench2 empty slotsChris Played Week One With Seven Starters
Holli put up 150.6, the best score in the league, and Chris answered with 103.82 and two empty starting slots he had a full week to fill and didn't. His quarterback, Kyler Murray, got hurt and finished at negative zero point one eight. Kenneth Walker went for 38.9 and Jonathan Taylor for 28.0 and it was all completely fucking wasted, because 42.4 points sat on his bench, including Jalen Coker's 31.8. His optimal lineup, every decision reversed, was 146.22. Holli's actual score was 150.6. He could not have won this game if he'd played it twice. Bijan gave her 33.4 and she coasted.
Holli 150.6, Chris 103.82. Margin 46.78, the week's biggest. Chris: two empty slots, a -0.18 quarterback, 42.4 left on the bench.Box score
| 150.6 | Points | 103.8 |
| 145.0 | Projected | 120.6 |
| 160.7 | Best possible | 146.2 |
| 10.1 | Left on bench | 42.4 |
| 0 | Starters with 0 | 0 |
Top: Chase Brown 19.4
Dud: Quentin Johnston 2.7Left 24.2 on the bench
Top: Caleb Williams 39.3
Dud: Kyle Pitts 0.0Left 16.5 on the benchThe Commissioner Benched Mahomes and Lost
Joey was projected for 140.1 and scored 101.26, which is a 38-point faceplant and the reason this counts as an upset. He started Justin Herbert for 14.26 and sat Patrick Mahomes and his 22.86 on the bench, and the man who runs this league left 24.2 points there in total. Terry McLaurin gave him 2.9 and Quentin Johnston gave him 2.7, and his second-leading scorer was the Jacksonville defense. Beth won 131.66 on the back of Caleb Williams, who put up 39.26, and D'Andre Swift, who added 35.2. She did start two tight ends in a league with zero tight end slots and they combined for 8.3, one of them a clean 0.0 from Kyle Pitts. Didn't matter. Joey beat himself.
Beth 131.66, Joey 101.26. Upset: Joey was projected 140.1. Benched Mahomes 22.86, started Herbert 14.26.Box score
| 101.3 | Points | 131.7 |
| 140.1 | Projected | 127.2 |
| 125.5 | Best possible | 148.2 |
| 24.2 | Left on bench | 16.5 |
| 0 | Starters with 0 | 1 |
Top: David Montgomery 30.4
Dud: Colston Loveland 0.0Left 15.0 on the bench
Top: Josh Allen 36.3
Dud: Jordyn Tyson 0.0Left 19.1 on the benchFour Tenths of a Point Decided This
Morgan won 97.46 to 97.06 and neither of these women should be allowed to celebrate. Ally started Jordyn Tyson, who is on injured reserve, for a clean 0.0, while Chuba Hubbard put up 24.2 on her bench. She lost by 0.40. Zero point four. She also carried a second kicker on that bench, because of course she did. Morgan doesn't get off either: she was projected for 135.5 and scored 97.46, got 30.4 from David Montgomery and 26.66 from Lamar Jackson and a combined dogshit 9.2 from George Pickens and Rico Dowdle, with Colston Loveland contributing a hard zero. Two bad teams, one survivor, no dignity anywhere.
Morgan 97.46, Ally 97.06, margin 0.40. Ally started an IR receiver for 0.0 and benched 24.2 from Chuba Hubbard.Box score
| 97.5 | Points | 97.1 |
| 135.5 | Projected | 100.2 |
| 112.5 | Best possible | 116.2 |
| 15.0 | Left on bench | 19.1 |
| 1 | Starters with 0 | 1 |
Top: Chris Olave 26.7
Dud: Brandon Aubrey 1.0Left 7.2 on the bench
Top: Trey McBride 22.5
Dud: Los Angeles Rams 2.0Left 10.3 on the benchRyan's Team Name Finally Did Something
Ryan won 131.5 to 89.26 and his leading scorer was Chris Olave with 26.7, the guy the team is named after, which is the single luckiest thing that happened to anyone this week. Jaxon Smith-Njigba added 24.2. His kicker Brandon Aubrey scored 1.0 and the Eagles defense scored 3.0 and he still won by 42.24, because Ben opened the season with 89.26 on a 132.3 projection. Saquon Barkley: 11.0. Davante Adams: 4.6. The Rams defense: 2.0. And Brock Purdy, the backup quarterback Ben drafted in a league that starts one, outscored starting Joe Burrow 23.6 to 16.66 from the bench. Perfect lineup: 99.6. Still not a hundred.
Ryan 131.5, Ben 89.26. Margin 42.24. Ben's best possible lineup was 99.6. His benched QB beat his starter by seven.Box score
| 131.5 | Points | 89.3 |
| 133.3 | Projected | 132.3 |
| 138.7 | Best possible | 99.6 |
| 7.2 | Left on bench | 10.3 |
| 0 | Starters with 0 | 0 |
Top: Jahmyr Gibbs 40.5
Dud: Cameron Dicker 2.0Left 27.5 on the bench
Top: Christian Watson 31.2
Dud: Los Angeles Chargers 1.0Left 8.7 on the benchNicole Scored 148 and Still Lost
Lauren won 149.62 to 148.3 and Nicole has to live with that. Jahmyr Gibbs went for 40.5, Ashton Jeanty for 35.5, Jaxson Dart for 29.7: that is 105.7 from three players, the best top-three in the league, and she lost by 1.32 goddamn points. Why? Drake London 5.1, Tee Higgins 8.9, Cameron Dicker 2.0, and 27.5 points left on the bench including Kyle Monangai's 21.4. Her optimal lineup was 175.8. Lauren won it with Christian Watson at 31.2, Jalen Hurts at 26.42, and 25.5 from Zay Flowers, who got hurt along the way. Her defense scored one point and she won anyway.
Lauren 149.62, Nicole 148.3, margin 1.32. Upset. Nicole left 27.5 on the bench; her optimal was 175.8.Box score
| 148.3 | Points | 149.6 |
| 139.5 | Projected | 134.1 |
| 175.8 | Best possible | 158.3 |
| 27.5 | Left on bench | 8.7 |
| 0 | Starters with 0 | 0 |