Week 3
Pregame

Beth won this whole goddamn league and she is opening Week 3 with Caleb Williams, listed Doubtful, projected 0.0, in the one quarterback slot she owns. Tuesday she claimed Bryce Young off waivers, 17.4 points of functioning quarterback, and parked him on the bench. She solved her own problem and then refused to use the solution. That is the champion: 1-1, 99.72 last week against a 127.3 projection, still hauling around the three tight ends the robot docked her to a C and eleventh for. Jarrod finished dead fucking last at 3-11 and he is the favorite by seven, which should embarrass somebody in this game. He is also starting Romeo Doubs at 10.1 with Puka Nacua at 18.7 on his bench, so neither of these two has earned a thing. Jarrod by seven anyway.

Week three. Zero transactions. Not one add, not one drop, not since draft night, and the same two starting slots empty that were empty in Week 1: no kicker, no defense, just holes where points are supposed to go. Chris has 183.92 points for, dead last in a twelve-team league, and he scored 80.1 last week, the kind of number that ends a season in September. He closed last year on an eight-game losing streak, so this is not a slump, this is who he is now. Jalen Coker sits on his bench at 15.0 while Courtland Sutton starts at 11.1, because obviously. Morgan is 2-0 having scored 106.5 against a 146.2 projection, which means she is winning by accident and it counts exactly the same. Morgan by eight. Fill the fucking slots, Chris.

Jared has told everybody within earshot about his A-minus and his first-place draft grade, and here is what it bought him: Jayden Daniels, Doubtful, projected 0.0, in the only quarterback slot, with nothing behind him because he never drafted a second one and has not made a single transaction all season. Beth at least went out and claimed a quarterback. Jared sat there and admired his grade. He is 2-0 on 255.4 points and this is the week the math comes to collect: Ryan is projected 148.6, the highest number in the league, put up 177.36 last week, and buried Jared 165.56 to 96.66 in Week 12 last year. Ryan's nine starters are filled and healthy and he has not had to touch a thing. Ryan by thirty, and the guy who writes this page eats it.

Holli was projected 142.2 and scored 65.76. Seventy-six points of nothing, the worst score in the league, out of a roster everybody agreed was good. That is not bad luck, that is a team quitting on a Sunday afternoon. Here is the one thing she has fixed: for the first time all season there are no empty starting slots, so the woman who spent two weeks fielding seven and eight players has finally learned to count to nine. Lauren has not. She has a slot sitting empty and Zay Flowers at 18.7 rotting on her bench behind Xavier Worthy at 11.9, and she still spent the thirteenth overall pick on a quarterback in a league that starts one. Holli took her 144.24 to 89.4 last year. Holli by twenty-four, assuming she shows up this time.

Joey left 21.9 points on his bench last week and the fattest piece of it was Patrick Mahomes, who scored 29.68 while Joey watched from behind Justin Herbert. This week Mahomes is on the bench again, projected 23.2, still behind Herbert at 17.6. Same crime, seven days later, committed by the man who runs the league. He also signed Michael Mayer, a third tight end for a league with no tight end slot, and then cut him a week later, which at least resembles learning. Alec Pierce is Doubtful at 0.0 and in the lineup with Quentin Johnston at 9.7 sitting behind him. Nicole is the mirror image: second-best draft grade in the league, 0-2, 305.2 points against, and Jaxson Dart at 0.0 with nothing behind him either. Joey by four, and one of these two has to lose.

Jordyn Tyson has been on injured reserve and in Ally's starting lineup since Week 1. Three weeks. Projected 0.0 every single time, and Ally has made zero transactions all season, no adds, no drops, nothing, while Chuba Hubbard sits at 18.6 behind Bhayshul Tuten at 14.8 and two tight ends start in a league that has no tight end slot. The robot handed her a D and ranked her twelfth out of twelve and she has not said one word back to it. And yet she scored 130.32 last week against a 98.2 projection and won, which is the most infuriating fact on this page. Ben hung 155.58 and is projected 136.6 to her 106.8. He did drop Brian Thomas for Tank Bigsby, so he is not immune to stupid either. Ben by thirty.