Week 2
Pregame

Chris has made exactly zero moves since the draft. Not one. He lost by 46.78 last week, the worst beating anybody took, and his response was to sit on his hands and leave the same two slots empty he left empty in Week 1: no kicker, no defense, just two black holes where points go to die. The quarterback is Kyler Murray, listed Questionable and projected for a flat 0.0, so the top of the lineup is worth as much as the bottom of it. Jarrod is 0-1 himself and finished dead fucking last at 3-11, and he has still beaten Chris twice, once 130.96 to 65.7. Jarrod by ten, and it's less humiliation than Chris has earned.

Beth won the whole goddamn thing last year and she is running Kyle Pitts and Sam LaPorta out in flex spots, still shopping for a position this league does not have. Worse than that: Malik Nabers is on her bench at 14.2 while Michael Wilson starts at 10.7. She won last week, so she'll tell you it works, and the robot still handed her a C and ranked her eleventh out of twelve. Jared is projected 132.2 with nine slots filled, nobody hurt, and the best draft grade in the league, a fact he has found ways to mention. Beth did take him 148.4 to 137.1 in week nine. It won't happen twice. Jared by thirteen, and then he gets to write the page about it.

Holli hung 150.6 last week, the highest score in the league, and did it with an incomplete lineup, which tells you exactly how much attention this game requires. Then Tuesday she went shopping: Kansas City's defense in, New England out, Deebo Samuel added, Devaughn Vele in for KC Concepcion. Three transactions. And there are still two empty starting slots tonight. She owns a defense. It is sitting on her bench doing nothing, because she cannot be bothered to drag it eight inches to the left. Morgan is projected 138.2, second-highest this week, though she won her opener by 0.40 points, which is less a victory than a clerical error. Morgan by sixteen unless Holli fills the holes she's been carrying for two weeks.

Joey drafted two quarterbacks, two tight ends and zero kickers, and then on Sunday he signed Michael Mayer, a third tight end, for a league that starts none of them. That's the commissioner reading his own rules and deciding they were suggestions. He scored 101.26 and lost by thirty, and Alec Pierce is parked on his bench at 13.0 so Quentin Johnston can start at 10.6. Ryan hung 131.5 on Ben and claimed Brandon Aubrey the second Lauren dropped him, the only decisive thing anyone in this league did all week. Joey did end Ryan's season 126.18 to 113.5 in the winners bracket, and Ryan has not let go of it. Ryan by ten. Run the league, Joey, don't collect for it.

Jordyn Tyson is on injured reserve, projected 0.0, and in Ally's starting lineup for the second week running. She has made no transactions. None. Not one add, not one drop, while a dead slot sits there and Chuba Hubbard rots on the bench at 16.3 so Bhayshul Tuten can start at 11.6. She runs two tight ends as well, because obviously, in the league with no tight end slot. She lost by 0.40 last week. Point four. One functioning roster spot was the whole difference, and she looked at it and did nothing. Lauren is no oracle either, she burned the thirteenth overall pick on a quarterback and survived her opener by 1.32. Lauren by thirty-four. Fix your fucking lineup, Ally.

Ben averaged 132.38 a game last season, the best in this league, and never once dipped below 98.72 in fourteen tries. He opened this year with 89.26, the lowest score of Week 1, and got run off the field by forty-two. Nicole managed the exact opposite: 148.3, second-highest in the league, and she lost by 1.32. That is the whole rivalry in two numbers. Ben has beaten her twice already, 133.96 to 131.02 and 115.82 to 105.64, both of them close, both of them hers to lose. This one projects inside half a point, 133.6 to 133.2, with Jahmyr Gibbs at 32.9 the biggest number on either roster and Nicole's defense opening Thursday in Buffalo. Nicole by a rounding error, and if she drops a third straight squeaker to Ben she should stop calling them close.