Week 5
Pregame

Jarrod has scored 408.74 points. Not the fewest among the bad teams, the fewest in the entire goddamn league, less than the 0-4 commissioner, less than Chris, less than everybody, and he is 2-2 because this schedule has been doing him favors it stops doing Thursday. Ryan has 590.66. That is a hundred and eighty-two more points than Jarrod and it is not close to a conversation. Ryan also swept him 2-0 last year by a combined eighty-one, then went home and this week added Will Shipley and Keon Coleman without dropping a soul, because he has roster space and Jarrod has Malik Washington starting at receiver hours after signing him. Dak, CeeDee Lamb and Brandon Aubrey are all in the Thursday opener, fifty of Ryan's points banked before Jarrod has read his own matchup. Ryan by nineteen.

Last week this page said Morgan hadn't touched her team since draft night and was winning by doing absolutely fuck-all. She read that, lost, and spent this morning making three moves. The Browns defense she signed last Thursday, dropped for Cincinnati's. Matt Gay, dropped for Evan McPherson. Then Harrison Butker dropped to sign Matt Gay back. She cut a kicker and re-signed him inside the same hour, which is not roster management, that is a woman standing at a vending machine hitting the same button and getting angrier. And she is still favored, because Lauren is 1-3, on an L3, has 579.28 points against her, and is starting Woody Marks at 11.8 with Breece Hall sitting on her bench at 17.6. Woody fucking Marks. A 10-4 runner-up last year is now losing to churn. Morgan by eight.

Beth won this entire league last year. Ten and four, first in the regular season, six straight wins to finish it, a title game taken off Lauren. She is now 2-2 holding a C and the eleventh-ranked draft, and her starting quarterback Thursday is Caleb Williams, listed Out, projected 0.0. The defending champion is fielding a man who is not going to play football. Sam LaPorta is still in there too, in a league that has never had a tight end slot and did not grow one overnight, and Ja'Marr Chase is Questionable on top of it, so the floor underneath this lineup is a hole. Nicole has Jahmyr Gibbs at 32.0, the largest number anybody puts on the field this week, plus Ashton Jeanty and 544.12 points for. Banners don't throw passes. Nicole by seventeen.

Chris signed a kicker. Four straight weeks this page begged him and on October 1st he took Jason Myers and the Chicago defense and started fielding nine men like a functioning adult, and his reward is being favored over a team that made the winners bracket last year. He is 1-3 and he is the favorite, which says less about Chris than it does about Ben. Ben dropped De'Von Achane for Keaton Mitchell, and Mitchell is in the lineup Thursday at 12.4, next to Saquon Barkley at 0.0, next to George Kittle and Trey McBride, two tight ends, in a league with no tight end slot, for 105.8 projected. Joe Burrow sits on his bench at 19.8 while Brock Purdy starts at 17.4. Chris still has Kenneth Walker in his lineup and Kansas City is on bye this week, with MarShawn Lloyd sitting right behind him at 11.1, so nobody here is clean. Chris by nine.

Five weeks. Jordyn Tyson is still on injured reserve, still in Ally's starting lineup, still projected 0.0, and this week he has brought friends: Tetairoa McMillan and Travis Kelce, both on bye, both still starting. Carolina and Kansas City are not playing football this week and nobody has told Ally. Three starters, three zeroes, two tight ends in a league that starts none, 78.0 projected points for an entire roster. Seventy-eight. The robot handed her a D, ranked her twelfth, and she has made zero transactions all season, which stopped being laziness around week three and is now a position she holds. Jared, the dumbass who writes this page, is starting Tyler Shough at 16.0 with Jayden Daniels at 19.8 on his own bench, so he is not clean either. He is just the one playing a team that brought seventy-eight points to a gunfight. Jared by fifty-three, the week's widest gap, and he earned none of it.

The man who runs this league is 0-4 and has given up 591.76 points, more incoming fire than anyone else in this league this season, and his starting quarterback right now is Patrick Mahomes, who is on bye, while Justin Herbert sits on his bench at 15.7. Kansas City does not play this week. That has been on the schedule since May. Pick 126, the best value of the entire draft, parked in the lineup for a week his team has off, by the guy who enforces the rules. He is also running Jacory Croskey-Merritt at 12.3 with Ollie Gordon at 17.1 and Rhamondre Stevenson at 16.3 behind him, so that's three decisions all pointing at the same shit outcome. Holli's own defense is Kansas City, same bye, same zero, which any other week would be this whole paragraph, and this week it doesn't crack Joey's top five problems. Joey beat her twice last year and then lost to her in the playoffs anyway. Both of them have until kickoff to fix it and only one of them is 0-4. Holli by twenty-one. Team Ass, 0-5.