Week 3
Postgame

Last week's page roasted Beth for signing Bryce Young off waivers and then benching him. This week she started him, he gave her 13.64, and she survived by thirty-eight hundredths of a point, so consider the lesson half-learned and fully unearned. Kyren Williams went for 24.3 and Ja'Marr Chase for 22.8, and then the floor fell out: Nabers 6.1, LaPorta 6.4, Henderson 4.2, and the Seattle defense for a clean 2.0. Michael Wilson sat on her bench and scored 23.4, which is more than any human she started. Jarrod lost this with Justin Jefferson at 4.7 and Isaiah Likely at 2.8, and he can spend the rest of the season doing the math on 0.38. He won by 0.68 last week. The universe is just messing with him now.

The last two recaps ended by begging Chris to sign a kicker. He has not. Week 3, two empty starting slots, no kicker, no defense, zero transactions since draft night, and a 73.92 that is the worst score of the season by anybody. He lost by 61.02. Kenneth Walker did his part with 23.6 and Matthew Golden put up 20.0 on the bench while Courtland Sutton started for 7.6, and one of his nine slots produced a 0.0 off a projection of exactly zero, which means the lineup told him and he did it anyway. Morgan is 3-0 and never had to work: James Cook 25.3, Jordan Addison 18.5 off a 10.0 projection, Denver's defense 14.0, and Bo Nix wasting 25.04 on her bench. Chris is 0-3 with 257.84 points for. Fill the fucking slots.

The preview called Ryan by thirty and promised Jared would eat it. Jared won by 3.4 and now gets to type this sentence himself, which is the single most obnoxious outcome available to this league. He played a mathematically perfect lineup, 0.0 left on the bench, the only manager to do it, and got 25.0 from Derrick Henry, 24.4 from Tyler Shough and 24.3 from Jaylen Warren, with Harrison Mevis kicking in 16.0 as his fourth-best starter. That's a kicker. Ryan was projected 148.3, the highest number in the league, got 33.86 out of Jaxon Smith-Njigba, and still lost because the Philadelphia defense handed him 2.0 and Jadarian Price scraped together 2.2. Jared is 3-0. He has made zero transactions all season and he will not shut up about the A-minus.

Holli was projected 137.8 and hit 145.58 seven days after scoring 65.76, which makes her the least predictable thing in this league and impossible to plan around. Bijan Robinson went for 42.2 after giving her 12.2 last week. Javonte Williams added 22.7 after giving her 7.7. Same two men, a hundred percent more effort. Lauren's answer was 86.02, and the highlight reel is that the Green Bay defense scored negative two points, an actual subtraction, and Trey Smack the kicker contributed 1.5, so her kicker and defense together were worth negative half a point. Jalen Hurts, the quarterback she spent the thirteenth overall pick on in a one-quarterback league, gave her 14.02. Harold Fannin put up 21.1 on the bench, more than anybody she started except Christian Watson. Fifty-nine point five six.

The commissioner finally did the thing this page has demanded for two straight weeks: he started Patrick Mahomes. Mahomes gave him 16.04. Brock Bowers gave him 25.6, Garrett Wilson 24.2, Christian McCaffrey 24.1, and Spencer Shrader booted 17.0, and Joey put up 148.04, higher than five of the six winners. He is 0-3. He left 2.0 on his bench, made every correct call available to him, and lost by 7.98 because Nicole hung 156.02 on him with Jahmyr Gibbs scoring 43.9 by himself and Drake London adding 26.4 off a 14.2 projection. Nicole is the only other person who knows what 148 and a loss feels like, having done it in Week 1 at 148.3, and she handed the experience to the man who runs the place. Joey fixed his lineup and the scoreboard told him to go to hell.

Jordyn Tyson has been on injured reserve and in Ally's starting lineup every week of this season. Three for three. Another 0.0, another slot set on fire, and still not one transaction all year, no adds, no drops, nothing, while Matthew Stafford scored 22.1 on her bench behind two tight ends in a league with no tight end slot. It worked in Week 2. It did not work here: 92.96, Tetairoa McMillan at 3.2, Cam Little at 5.0, and a 40.92-point beating. Ben got 31.98 from Brock Purdy and 25.2 from George Kittle, watched De'Von Achane produce 2.5 on a 20.6 projection, and won by forty anyway with 0.0 left on his bench. Joe Burrow scored 23.28 sitting behind Purdy, which is the kind of problem Ally would love to have.