Week 5
Postgame

Ryan was the biggest favorite on the board, projected for 153.1, and he turned in 109.04. That is 44.06 points of pure vapor. CeeDee Lamb went for 1.9 on a 22.7 projection, Dak Prescott for 12.64 on a 21.4, Chris Olave for 8.6, and the only starter who beat his number was Parker Washington at 27.9, a man Ryan almost certainly does not know the position of. Blake Corum's 16.7 watched from the bench, 14.8 left there in total. Jarrod got 33.9 from Puka Nacua, 29.04 from Jared Goff and 19.0 from the Houston defense, and took it by 22. Ryan also picked himself to win this game. So did both other people who picked. Dumbasses, all three.

Lauren was projected for 121.3 and scored 156.96, the second-highest total of the week, and she left exactly 0.0 points on her bench. A clean lineup. From Lauren. Drake Maye threw for 40.16, Christian Watson added 29.8, Mike Evans 25.3, and Jalen Hurts sat there with 13.2 because she didn't need him. Morgan scored 127.38, which wins most weeks in this league, and got 27.3 from James Cook, 26.48 from Jacoby Brissett and 26.0 from George Pickens. Then David Montgomery handed her 1.6 and Colston Loveland 3.4, a tight end, in a league that has never had a tight end slot. Morgan filed picks in five of six games this week. The one she skipped was her own. She lost it by 29.58.

Caleb Williams was ruled out before anybody set a lineup, and Beth started him at quarterback regardless and collected 0.0 for the trouble. She won by 16.36 anyway, because Malik Nabers went for 26.6, Kyren Williams 20.2, Sam LaPorta 18.3, and D'Andre Swift and Ja'Marr Chase both 17.7. Eight starters doing the work of nine. Nicole, meanwhile, had Jahmyr Gibbs go off for 42.2, the single biggest performance by any player in the league this week, and still lost, because Carnell Tate gave her 1.1, Dalton Kincaid 3.2 and Tee Higgins 3.7 while Emeka Egbuka's 15.3 sat on her bench. She was the favorite by 6.2. She got 42 from one man and couldn't scrape together 110. Goddamn.

This was the ugliest hour of football anybody played on purpose. Chris won 103.46 to 84.26 and his leading scorer was Jason Myers, a kicker, at 23.0. He also left Kenneth Walker in his starting lineup on Kansas City's bye week, a zero that has been printed on the schedule since July, buried 29.1 more points on his bench including Matthew Golden's 19.8, watched the Chicago defense turn in 1.0, and won by 19.2 regardless. Ben replied with the lowest score in the league: 84.26, two tight ends in the lineup, 26.54 abandoned on the bench and Joe Burrow's 26.0 among it, worth more than any human he started. Saquon Barkley and DeVonta Smith both landed on 0.0, and that part was rotten luck. The rest was all his.

Four of Ally's starters scored exactly 0.0, and three of those she picked out herself: Tetairoa McMillan and Travis Kelce were both on bye, Carolina and Kansas City idle all week, and Jordyn Tyson was sitting on injured reserve the whole time. The fourth was the Indianapolis defense, which just felt like it. Josh Allen's 34.5 and Tyler Warren's 20.0 made up 63 percent of her entire 86.4. Jared, who writes this page and has never once been humble about it, scored 152.26 with a bench that produced negative 0.16 points, got 36.8 from Jaylen Warren and 34.16 from Jayden Daniels, and won by 65.86 while his own kicker gave him 3.5. He is 4-1 and absolutely unbearable about it.

Joey put up 139.94, the highest losing total of the week and more than three of the six winners managed, and the commissioner is 0-5. Garrett Wilson gave him 21.4, Brock Bowers 21.0, and Spencer Shrader, a kicker, also 21.0, tied for the best thing on his roster. Justin Herbert managed 11.84, Chase Brown 7.8 against a 22.0 projection, and Ollie Gordon's 19.1 sat on the bench with 11.3 in friends. None of it mattered, because Holli went off: 160.44, the league high, 35.1 from Bucky Irving, 28.9 from Isaiah Likely, 22.54 from Trevor Lawrence, and 30 more from a kicker and a defense. Five weeks, five losses, a team called Team Ass. The name is carrying the whole joke now.