Pregame Week 6 · vs Ben
Morgan burned a week of transactions on a kicker carousel and parked exactly where she started.
Morgan has made eight moves in eight days. On the 7th she cut Harrison Butker for Matt Gay, then cut Matt Gay for Evan McPherson. This morning she cut Evan McPherson and re-signed Harrison Butker. Congratulations, Morgan, you drove a complete fucking circle and paid the toll three times, and while you were at it you signed the Cincinnati defense last week and cut it this morning, which is the one week Cincinnati is on bye and had no game anyway, and Lamar Jackson is Questionable on top of all of it. Ben, meanwhile, has made zero moves, which sounds disciplined until you notice Will Reichard is in his kicker slot and Minnesota is on bye, so he is volunteering a zero he could erase with one click. Two men on two-game skids, and Morgan by four.
Postgame Week 5 · vs Lauren · L
Lauren was projected for 121.3 and scored 156.96, the second-highest total of the week, and she left exactly 0.0 points on her bench. A clean lineup. From Lauren. Drake Maye threw for 40.16, Christian Watson added 29.8, Mike Evans 25.3, and Jalen Hurts sat there with 13.2 because she didn't need him. Morgan scored 127.38, which wins most weeks in this league, and got 27.3 from James Cook, 26.48 from Jacoby Brissett and 26.0 from George Pickens. Then David Montgomery handed her 1.6 and Colston Loveland 3.4, a tight end, in a league that has never had a tight end slot. Morgan filed picks in five of six games this week. The one she skipped was her own. She lost it by 29.58.
Pregame Week 5 · vs Lauren
Last week this page said she was winning by leaving the room. She read it, lost, and panicked at a vending machine.
Last week this page said Morgan hadn't touched her team since draft night and was winning by doing absolutely fuck-all. She read that, lost, and spent this morning making three moves. The Browns defense she signed last Thursday, dropped for Cincinnati's. Matt Gay, dropped for Evan McPherson. Then Harrison Butker dropped to sign Matt Gay back. She cut a kicker and re-signed him inside the same hour, which is not roster management, that is a woman standing at a vending machine hitting the same button and getting angrier. And she is still favored, because Lauren is 1-3, on an L3, has 579.28 points against her, and is starting Woody Marks at 11.8 with Breece Hall sitting on her bench at 17.6. Woody fucking Marks. A 10-4 runner-up last year is now losing to churn. Morgan by eight.
Postgame Week 4 · vs Jarrod · L
Morgan was projected for 142.6 and delivered 112.38, which is a 30-point faceplant, and she lost by 2.5 to a guy who left Alvin Kamara and his 22.0 points on the bench. David Montgomery was projected 19.1 and gave her 5.3. George Pickens 9.5, Jordan Addison 8.7, Harrison Butker 6.0. Meanwhile Rome Odunze sat on her bench and scored 14.4, which is 11.9 more than the margin, so she lost this game in the lineup editor on Sunday morning. Jarrod won it with Romeo Doubs, a man projected for 9.9 who scored 22.3, because Jarrod does not win games, games happen to Jarrod. She's 3-1 and she can thank Montgomery for feeling like 1-3.
Pregame Week 4 · vs Jarrod
Zero transactions all season, nine healthy starters, and first place. She is winning by leaving the room.
Morgan has not made a single move this year. Not one add, not one drop, nothing since draft night, and she sits 3-0 having allowed 236.74 points, the fewest anybody has given up by sixty. The robot handed her a B-minus and ranked her seventh and she has not acknowledged it once. Jarrod, meanwhile, has spent eight days frantically managing: Drake Maye dropped for Rashod Bateman, Isaiah Likely dropped this morning for Dontayvion Wicks, a whole week of clicking. It has him 1-2 with 293.86 points for, eleventh out of twelve. His season so far has been decided by 0.68 one week and 0.38 the next, which is over a point of total margin and nothing to show for it. Justin Jefferson and Puka Nacua are both Questionable. Morgan by fourteen doing absolutely fuck-all.
Postgame Week 3 · vs Chris · W
The last two recaps ended by begging Chris to sign a kicker. He has not. Week 3, two empty starting slots, no kicker, no defense, zero transactions since draft night, and a 73.92 that is the worst score of the season by anybody. He lost by 61.02. Kenneth Walker did his part with 23.6 and Matthew Golden put up 20.0 on the bench while Courtland Sutton started for 7.6, and one of his nine slots produced a 0.0 off a projection of exactly zero, which means the lineup told him and he did it anyway. Morgan is 3-0 and never had to work: James Cook 25.3, Jordan Addison 18.5 off a 10.0 projection, Denver's defense 14.0, and Bo Nix wasting 25.04 on her bench. Chris is 0-3 with 257.84 points for. Fill the fucking slots.
Pregame Week 3 · vs Chris
Chris is 0-2 with the fewest points in the league and has still never touched his roster.
Week three. Zero transactions. Not one add, not one drop, not since draft night, and the same two starting slots empty that were empty in Week 1: no kicker, no defense, just holes where points are supposed to go. Chris has 183.92 points for, dead last in a twelve-team league, and he scored 80.1 last week, the kind of number that ends a season in September. He closed last year on an eight-game losing streak, so this is not a slump, this is who he is now. Jalen Coker sits on his bench at 15.0 while Courtland Sutton starts at 11.1, because obviously. Morgan is 2-0 having scored 106.5 against a 146.2 projection, which means she is winning by accident and it counts exactly the same. Morgan by eight. Fill the fucking slots, Chris.
Postgame Week 2 · vs Holli · W
Last week Holli hung 150.6 with two slots empty. This week she filled every hole on the roster and scored 65.76, the worst number in the league and 76.44 points under her projection. That is not variance, that's a haunting. Bijan Robinson: 12.2 on a 28.8 projection. Javonte Williams: 7.7 on 23.3. The Kansas City defense: one point. Her kicker outscored five of her eight other starters, and Stefon Diggs put up 20.2 on the bench, more than anybody she actually played. Morgan didn't have to be good and obliged: 106.5, David Montgomery at 4.0 on a 22.4 projection, and Harrison Butker at 17.0 as her second-leading scorer. She's 2-0 because a kicker is carrying her.
Pregame Week 2 · vs Holli
She made three moves Tuesday and still has two slots empty.
Holli hung 150.6 last week, the highest score in the league, and did it with an incomplete lineup, which tells you exactly how much attention this game requires. Then Tuesday she went shopping: Kansas City's defense in, New England out, Deebo Samuel added, Devaughn Vele in for KC Concepcion. Three transactions. And there are still two empty starting slots tonight. She owns a defense. It is sitting on her bench doing nothing, because she cannot be bothered to drag it eight inches to the left. Morgan is projected 138.2, second-highest this week, though she won her opener by 0.40 points, which is less a victory than a clerical error. Morgan by sixteen unless Holli fills the holes she's been carrying for two weeks.
Postgame Week 1 · vs Ally · W
Morgan won 97.46 to 97.06 and neither of these women should be allowed to celebrate. Ally started Jordyn Tyson, who is on injured reserve, for a clean 0.0, while Chuba Hubbard put up 24.2 on her bench. She lost by 0.40. Zero point four. She also carried a second kicker on that bench, because of course she did. Morgan doesn't get off either: she was projected for 135.5 and scored 97.46, got 30.4 from David Montgomery and 26.66 from Lamar Jackson and a combined dogshit 9.2 from George Pickens and Rico Dowdle, with Colston Loveland contributing a hard zero. Two bad teams, one survivor, no dignity anywhere.
Pregame Week 1 · vs Ally
The week's biggest gap, and Ally is starting a receiver who is on injured reserve.
Ally spent pick twenty on a kicker and pick twenty-nine on a defense while Saquon Barkley and Ashton Jeanty sat on the board breathing. The robot gave her a D, last in the league, and the lineup she plans to run out includes Jordyn Tyson, who is on injured reserve and projected for a clean 0.0, next to two tight ends in a league with no tight end slot. Last year she put up a 39.22 in a week that counted and finished eleventh. Morgan is no genius either: Lamar at sixteen in a one-quarterback league, Bo Nix drafted behind him, three straight losses to end the season. But she beat Ally twice last year, one of them in the consolation bracket, where two bad teams fight over a ribbon. Morgan by twenty-three and she can do it half asleep.
