Pregame Week 6 · vs Beth
Beth won the title last year and is an underdog this week to the only D the robot handed out.
Beth went 10-4, won six straight to close it, and has the banner. This week her starting lineup holds Ja'Marr Chase, Sam LaPorta and Jake Bates, and every one of those teams is on bye, so she has volunteered three zeroes before a snap is played, while Jake Ferguson (8.6) and Kalif Raymond (7.4) sit on her bench with games. That is how the defending champion projects 101.6, the lowest of anyone in this league with a winning record, and gets installed as a twelve-point dog against a roster the robot ranked twelfth and graded D. Ally is no better: Jordyn Tyson, a rookie on injured reserve, is in her starting lineup again, a thing she now does on purpose every week. Chuba Hubbard (21.1) is benched behind Tony Pollard (14.1). Ally by twelve, and the LaPorta-Potty is backed up.
Postgame Week 5 · vs Jared · L
Four of Ally's starters scored exactly 0.0, and three of those she picked out herself: Tetairoa McMillan and Travis Kelce were both on bye, Carolina and Kansas City idle all week, and Jordyn Tyson was sitting on injured reserve the whole time. The fourth was the Indianapolis defense, which just felt like it. Josh Allen's 34.5 and Tyler Warren's 20.0 made up 63 percent of her entire 86.4. Jared, who writes this page and has never once been humble about it, scored 152.26 with a bench that produced negative 0.16 points, got 36.8 from Jaylen Warren and 34.16 from Jayden Daniels, and won by 65.86 while his own kicker gave him 3.5. He is 4-1 and absolutely unbearable about it.
Pregame Week 5 · vs Jared
Fifth straight week with a man on injured reserve in the lineup, and now he has company.
Five weeks. Jordyn Tyson is still on injured reserve, still in Ally's starting lineup, still projected 0.0, and this week he has brought friends: Tetairoa McMillan and Travis Kelce, both on bye, both still starting. Carolina and Kansas City are not playing football this week and nobody has told Ally. Three starters, three zeroes, two tight ends in a league that starts none, 78.0 projected points for an entire roster. Seventy-eight. The robot handed her a D, ranked her twelfth, and she has made zero transactions all season, which stopped being laziness around week three and is now a position she holds. Jared, the dumbass who writes this page, is starting Tyler Shough at 16.0 with Jayden Daniels at 19.8 on his own bench, so he is not clean either. He is just the one playing a team that brought seventy-eight points to a gunfight. Jared by fifty-three, the week's widest gap, and he earned none of it.
Postgame Week 4 · vs Joey · W
Zero and four. The commissioner of this league has not won a football game in a month. He was projected 135.4, scored 103.9, started Terry McLaurin for a 0.0, got 4.7 out of Garrett Wilson, and his second-leading scorer was Spencer Shrader, a kicker, at 16.0. Rhamondre Stevenson and his 19.7 sat on the bench while that happened. Ally beat him by 22.82 while starting Jordyn Tyson on IR for a guaranteed zero and leaving 27.9 on her bench, which is the real story here: Joey lost to a team playing with eight men and a 41.2 from Tetairoa McMillan. Team Ass. Correctly named, at least.
Pregame Week 4 · vs Joey
Joey signed the Bengals on Sunday, dropped them Monday, and now starts eight men. He is still favored by twenty-nine.
The man who runs this league signed the Cincinnati defense on Sunday and cut it on Monday for Ollie Gordon, so Joey takes the field Thursday with an empty starting slot, which is the exact goddamn crime this page has been screaming at Chris about since the first week of September. Joey is 0-3 with 343.58 points for and 465.04 against, more incoming fire than anyone has absorbed, and last week he scored 148.04 and lost. Ally is in week four of starting a receiver on injured reserve, Jordyn Tyson, projected 0.0, in her lineup every single week of this season. Still zero transactions all year. Chuba Hubbard sits at 20.2 behind Tony Pollard at 13.0. Joey beat her 133.14 to 39.22 last season. Joey by twenty-nine and it still won't feel like winning.
Postgame Week 3 · vs Ben · L
Jordyn Tyson has been on injured reserve and in Ally's starting lineup every week of this season. Three for three. Another 0.0, another slot set on fire, and still not one transaction all year, no adds, no drops, nothing, while Matthew Stafford scored 22.1 on her bench behind two tight ends in a league with no tight end slot. It worked in Week 2. It did not work here: 92.96, Tetairoa McMillan at 3.2, Cam Little at 5.0, and a 40.92-point beating. Ben got 31.98 from Brock Purdy and 25.2 from George Kittle, watched De'Von Achane produce 2.5 on a 20.6 projection, and won by forty anyway with 0.0 left on his bench. Joe Burrow scored 23.28 sitting behind Purdy, which is the kind of problem Ally would love to have.
Pregame Week 3 · vs Ben
Third straight week with an injured reserve receiver in the lineup and still not one transaction.
Jordyn Tyson has been on injured reserve and in Ally's starting lineup since Week 1. Three weeks. Projected 0.0 every single time, and Ally has made zero transactions all season, no adds, no drops, nothing, while Chuba Hubbard sits at 18.6 behind Bhayshul Tuten at 14.8 and two tight ends start in a league that has no tight end slot. The robot handed her a D and ranked her twelfth out of twelve and she has not said one word back to it. And yet she scored 130.32 last week against a 98.2 projection and won, which is the most infuriating fact on this page. Ben hung 155.58 and is projected 136.6 to her 106.8. He did drop Brian Thomas for Tank Bigsby, so he is not immune to stupid either. Ben by thirty.
Postgame Week 2 · vs Lauren · W
The preview had Lauren by thirty-four. Lauren lost by 19.66 and did not make one wrong decision doing it: she left 0.0 points on her bench, the only manager in this league to play a mathematically perfect lineup, and it bought her absolutely nothing. Ally beat her while starting Jordyn Tyson, who is on injured reserve, for a clean 0.0. Second straight week, same man, same zero, still zero transactions all season. Josh Allen went for 45.22 and Travis Kelce for 23.6 and that was the entire plan. She also had Matthew Stafford's 27.38 rotting on the bench, a second quarterback in a one-quarterback league, alongside a second kicker. It keeps fucking working and it shouldn't.
Pregame Week 2 · vs Lauren
Second straight week with an injured reserve receiver in the lineup and no moves made.
Jordyn Tyson is on injured reserve, projected 0.0, and in Ally's starting lineup for the second week running. She has made no transactions. None. Not one add, not one drop, while a dead slot sits there and Chuba Hubbard rots on the bench at 16.3 so Bhayshul Tuten can start at 11.6. She runs two tight ends as well, because obviously, in the league with no tight end slot. She lost by 0.40 last week. Point four. One functioning roster spot was the whole difference, and she looked at it and did nothing. Lauren is no oracle either, she burned the thirteenth overall pick on a quarterback and survived her opener by 1.32. Lauren by thirty-four. Fix your fucking lineup, Ally.
Postgame Week 1 · vs Morgan · L
Morgan won 97.46 to 97.06 and neither of these women should be allowed to celebrate. Ally started Jordyn Tyson, who is on injured reserve, for a clean 0.0, while Chuba Hubbard put up 24.2 on her bench. She lost by 0.40. Zero point four. She also carried a second kicker on that bench, because of course she did. Morgan doesn't get off either: she was projected for 135.5 and scored 97.46, got 30.4 from David Montgomery and 26.66 from Lamar Jackson and a combined dogshit 9.2 from George Pickens and Rico Dowdle, with Colston Loveland contributing a hard zero. Two bad teams, one survivor, no dignity anywhere.
Pregame Week 1 · vs Morgan
The week's biggest gap, and Ally is starting a receiver who is on injured reserve.
Ally spent pick twenty on a kicker and pick twenty-nine on a defense while Saquon Barkley and Ashton Jeanty sat on the board breathing. The robot gave her a D, last in the league, and the lineup she plans to run out includes Jordyn Tyson, who is on injured reserve and projected for a clean 0.0, next to two tight ends in a league with no tight end slot. Last year she put up a 39.22 in a week that counted and finished eleventh. Morgan is no genius either: Lamar at sixteen in a one-quarterback league, Bo Nix drafted behind him, three straight losses to end the season. But she beat Ally twice last year, one of them in the consolation bracket, where two bad teams fight over a ribbon. Morgan by twenty-three and she can do it half asleep.
