Pregame Week 6 · vs Jared
First place against second place, 1.9 projected points apart, and the leader has an empty defense slot.
Both of these teams are 4-1. Holli has an empty starting slot where a defense goes, because she claimed Kansas City off waivers this morning and never put them in the lineup, and Deebo Samuel is sitting in a starting spot listed Out and projected 0.0 while Wan'Dale Robinson (11.6), Stefon Diggs (10.7) and Ladd McConkey (9.5) rot on her bench. She is fielding eight players and a hole, and she is still the favorite, 127.4 to 125.5. Jared has the best draft grade in the league, an A-, and his entire week of effort was claiming Matt Gay off waivers, a kicker Morgan had already thrown in the trash. That is the author of this page: number one draft, nine playing starters, and a dog to a woman who hasn't finished setting her lineup. Holli by two.
Postgame Week 5 · vs Joey · W
Joey put up 139.94, the highest losing total of the week and more than three of the six winners managed, and the commissioner is 0-5. Garrett Wilson gave him 21.4, Brock Bowers 21.0, and Spencer Shrader, a kicker, also 21.0, tied for the best thing on his roster. Justin Herbert managed 11.84, Chase Brown 7.8 against a 22.0 projection, and Ollie Gordon's 19.1 sat on the bench with 11.3 in friends. None of it mattered, because Holli went off: 160.44, the league high, 35.1 from Bucky Irving, 28.9 from Isaiah Likely, 22.54 from Trevor Lawrence, and 30 more from a kicker and a defense. Five weeks, five losses, a team called Team Ass. The name is carrying the whole joke now.
Pregame Week 5 · vs Joey
Joey is 0-4 with the most points against in the league, and his starting quarterback's team has the week off.
The man who runs this league is 0-4 and has given up 591.76 points, more incoming fire than anyone else in this league this season, and his starting quarterback right now is Patrick Mahomes, who is on bye, while Justin Herbert sits on his bench at 15.7. Kansas City does not play this week. That has been on the schedule since May. Pick 126, the best value of the entire draft, parked in the lineup for a week his team has off, by the guy who enforces the rules. He is also running Jacory Croskey-Merritt at 12.3 with Ollie Gordon at 17.1 and Rhamondre Stevenson at 16.3 behind him, so that's three decisions all pointing at the same shit outcome. Holli's own defense is Kansas City, same bye, same zero, which any other week would be this whole paragraph, and this week it doesn't crack Joey's top five problems. Joey beat her twice last year and then lost to her in the playoffs anyway. Both of them have until kickoff to fix it and only one of them is 0-4. Holli by twenty-one. Team Ass, 0-5.
Postgame Week 4 · vs Ben · W
Ben put up 92.92, the worst score in the league this week, and the reason is sitting right there on his bench: Joe Burrow, 24.52, benched behind Brock Purdy's 22.12. His second-best starter was his kicker. Will Reichard, 19.0 points, out-scoring both of the tight ends Ben decided to start in a league with no tight end slot. Saquon Barkley 1.7. Davante Adams 6.2. Twenty-six points left on the bench in a 42-point loss, which at least means the bench wasn't the problem, the whole goddamn thing was. Holli rode Javonte Williams and Bijan Robinson for 63.3 and didn't need any of it. She's 3-1. He's 2-2 and dropping.
Pregame Week 4 · vs Ben
A second-round running back dropped for Keaton Mitchell, and now there are eight men in the lineup.
Ben dropped De'Von Achane this morning. One bad Sunday, 2.5 points on a 20.6 projection, and a second-round running back is on the street for Keaton Mitchell. The result is a starting lineup with an empty slot in it and two tight ends in it, George Kittle and Trey McBride, in a league that has never started a tight end and will not be starting one Thursday either. That is 118.1 projected, and the only manager below him is starting an empty jersey on purpose, from a 2-1 man surviving entirely on other people's incompetence. Holli is at 140.0 and spent her own week churning the same useless position: Dalton Schultz in Sunday, Schultz out Wednesday for Juwan Johnson. Two transactions to fix a problem this league does not have. Holli by twenty-two, and Ben gets to watch a blank slot score zero.
Postgame Week 3 · vs Lauren · W
Holli was projected 137.8 and hit 145.58 seven days after scoring 65.76, which makes her the least predictable thing in this league and impossible to plan around. Bijan Robinson went for 42.2 after giving her 12.2 last week. Javonte Williams added 22.7 after giving her 7.7. Same two men, a hundred percent more effort. Lauren's answer was 86.02, and the highlight reel is that the Green Bay defense scored negative two points, an actual subtraction, and Trey Smack the kicker contributed 1.5, so her kicker and defense together were worth negative half a point. Jalen Hurts, the quarterback she spent the thirteenth overall pick on in a one-quarterback league, gave her 14.02. Harold Fannin put up 21.1 on the bench, more than anybody she started except Christian Watson. Fifty-nine point five six.
Pregame Week 3 · vs Lauren
The lowest score in the league last week came off the second-highest projection.
Holli was projected 142.2 and scored 65.76. Seventy-six points of nothing, the worst score in the league, out of a roster everybody agreed was good. That is not bad luck, that is a team quitting on a Sunday afternoon. Here is the one thing she has fixed: for the first time all season there are no empty starting slots, so the woman who spent two weeks fielding seven and eight players has finally learned to count to nine. Lauren has not. She has a slot sitting empty and Zay Flowers at 18.7 rotting on her bench behind Xavier Worthy at 11.9, and she still spent the thirteenth overall pick on a quarterback in a league that starts one. Holli took her 144.24 to 89.4 last year. Holli by twenty-four, assuming she shows up this time.
Postgame Week 2 · vs Morgan · L
Last week Holli hung 150.6 with two slots empty. This week she filled every hole on the roster and scored 65.76, the worst number in the league and 76.44 points under her projection. That is not variance, that's a haunting. Bijan Robinson: 12.2 on a 28.8 projection. Javonte Williams: 7.7 on 23.3. The Kansas City defense: one point. Her kicker outscored five of her eight other starters, and Stefon Diggs put up 20.2 on the bench, more than anybody she actually played. Morgan didn't have to be good and obliged: 106.5, David Montgomery at 4.0 on a 22.4 projection, and Harrison Butker at 17.0 as her second-leading scorer. She's 2-0 because a kicker is carrying her.
Pregame Week 2 · vs Morgan
She made three moves Tuesday and still has two slots empty.
Holli hung 150.6 last week, the highest score in the league, and did it with an incomplete lineup, which tells you exactly how much attention this game requires. Then Tuesday she went shopping: Kansas City's defense in, New England out, Deebo Samuel added, Devaughn Vele in for KC Concepcion. Three transactions. And there are still two empty starting slots tonight. She owns a defense. It is sitting on her bench doing nothing, because she cannot be bothered to drag it eight inches to the left. Morgan is projected 138.2, second-highest this week, though she won her opener by 0.40 points, which is less a victory than a clerical error. Morgan by sixteen unless Holli fills the holes she's been carrying for two weeks.
Postgame Week 1 · vs Chris · W
Holli put up 150.6, the best score in the league, and Chris answered with 103.82 and two empty starting slots he had a full week to fill and didn't. His quarterback, Kyler Murray, got hurt and finished at negative zero point one eight. Kenneth Walker went for 38.9 and Jonathan Taylor for 28.0 and it was all completely fucking wasted, because 42.4 points sat on his bench, including Jalen Coker's 31.8. His optimal lineup, every decision reversed, was 146.22. Holli's actual score was 150.6. He could not have won this game if he'd played it twice. Bijan gave her 33.4 and she coasted.
Pregame Week 1 · vs Chris
No kicker, no defense, and about twenty-four hours to notice.
Chris did not draft a kicker. Chris did not draft a defense. Both of those holes are still sitting there tonight, a day before the season starts, which means unless he wakes the hell up he is spotting Holli two zeroes before a football gets thrown. The parts he did fill are also wrong: Jayden Reed is projected 10.9 on his bench while Courtland Sutton starts at 8.8. He never bothered to name the team either, which tracks for a guy who lost his last eight games of 2025, finished tenth, and bottomed out at 65.7. Holli went 8-6, took third, and beat him 129.0 to 95.42 in week eleven without appearing to concentrate. She reached on Javonte Williams in the third and it still won't matter. Holli by seventeen. Fill your fucking roster, Chris.
