Pregame Week 6 · vs Lauren
Tuesday morning he had Alvin Kamara. Tuesday afternoon he had a 16-point quarterback and no Kamara.
Read that move again, because it deserves it: Jarrod went to the waiver wire, claimed Aaron Rodgers, and dropped Alvin Kamara to make room for him. Rodgers projects 16.0, which is fewer points than Lauren's entire lineup will score by halftime, and the roster spot Kamara used to occupy now holds a quarterback who was in the league before Jarrod could drive. He is also starting Dontayvion Wicks at 6.4, less than Lauren's kicker, with DJ Moore Questionable behind him. Lauren is 2-3 and still projects 137.7 to his 112.9, because she fields nine men who are trying. The last time these two met was Week 6 of last season: she hung 130.26 on him, he coughed up 96.52, and he finished that year 3-11 and dead last. Lauren by 25.
Postgame Week 5 · vs Ryan · W
Ryan was the biggest favorite on the board, projected for 153.1, and he turned in 109.04. That is 44.06 points of pure vapor. CeeDee Lamb went for 1.9 on a 22.7 projection, Dak Prescott for 12.64 on a 21.4, Chris Olave for 8.6, and the only starter who beat his number was Parker Washington at 27.9, a man Ryan almost certainly does not know the position of. Blake Corum's 16.7 watched from the bench, 14.8 left there in total. Jarrod got 33.9 from Puka Nacua, 29.04 from Jared Goff and 19.0 from the Houston defense, and took it by 22. Ryan also picked himself to win this game. So did both other people who picked. Dumbasses, all three.
Pregame Week 5 · vs Ryan
408.74 points for, dead last, behind the winless commissioner, and somehow 2-2 because the schedule has been carrying him.
Jarrod has scored 408.74 points. Not the fewest among the bad teams, the fewest in the entire goddamn league, less than the 0-4 commissioner, less than Chris, less than everybody, and he is 2-2 because this schedule has been doing him favors it stops doing Thursday. Ryan has 590.66. That is a hundred and eighty-two more points than Jarrod and it is not close to a conversation. Ryan also swept him 2-0 last year by a combined eighty-one, then went home and this week added Will Shipley and Keon Coleman without dropping a soul, because he has roster space and Jarrod has Malik Washington starting at receiver hours after signing him. Dak, CeeDee Lamb and Brandon Aubrey are all in the Thursday opener, fifty of Ryan's points banked before Jarrod has read his own matchup. Ryan by nineteen.
Postgame Week 4 · vs Morgan · W
Morgan was projected for 142.6 and delivered 112.38, which is a 30-point faceplant, and she lost by 2.5 to a guy who left Alvin Kamara and his 22.0 points on the bench. David Montgomery was projected 19.1 and gave her 5.3. George Pickens 9.5, Jordan Addison 8.7, Harrison Butker 6.0. Meanwhile Rome Odunze sat on her bench and scored 14.4, which is 11.9 more than the margin, so she lost this game in the lineup editor on Sunday morning. Jarrod won it with Romeo Doubs, a man projected for 9.9 who scored 22.3, because Jarrod does not win games, games happen to Jarrod. She's 3-1 and she can thank Montgomery for feeling like 1-3.
Pregame Week 4 · vs Morgan
Zero transactions all season, nine healthy starters, and first place. She is winning by leaving the room.
Morgan has not made a single move this year. Not one add, not one drop, nothing since draft night, and she sits 3-0 having allowed 236.74 points, the fewest anybody has given up by sixty. The robot handed her a B-minus and ranked her seventh and she has not acknowledged it once. Jarrod, meanwhile, has spent eight days frantically managing: Drake Maye dropped for Rashod Bateman, Isaiah Likely dropped this morning for Dontayvion Wicks, a whole week of clicking. It has him 1-2 with 293.86 points for, eleventh out of twelve. His season so far has been decided by 0.68 one week and 0.38 the next, which is over a point of total margin and nothing to show for it. Justin Jefferson and Puka Nacua are both Questionable. Morgan by fourteen doing absolutely fuck-all.
Postgame Week 3 · vs Beth · L
Last week's page roasted Beth for signing Bryce Young off waivers and then benching him. This week she started him, he gave her 13.64, and she survived by thirty-eight hundredths of a point, so consider the lesson half-learned and fully unearned. Kyren Williams went for 24.3 and Ja'Marr Chase for 22.8, and then the floor fell out: Nabers 6.1, LaPorta 6.4, Henderson 4.2, and the Seattle defense for a clean 2.0. Michael Wilson sat on her bench and scored 23.4, which is more than any human she started. Jarrod lost this with Justin Jefferson at 4.7 and Isaiah Likely at 2.8, and he can spend the rest of the season doing the math on 0.38. He won by 0.68 last week. The universe is just messing with him now.
Pregame Week 3 · vs Beth
The defending champion is starting a Doubtful quarterback projected for zero with the replacement on her bench.
Beth won this whole goddamn league and she is opening Week 3 with Caleb Williams, listed Doubtful, projected 0.0, in the one quarterback slot she owns. Tuesday she claimed Bryce Young off waivers, 17.4 points of functioning quarterback, and parked him on the bench. She solved her own problem and then refused to use the solution. That is the champion: 1-1, 99.72 last week against a 127.3 projection, still hauling around the three tight ends the robot docked her to a C and eleventh for. Jarrod finished dead fucking last at 3-11 and he is the favorite by seven, which should embarrass somebody in this game. He is also starting Romeo Doubs at 10.1 with Puka Nacua at 18.7 on his bench, so neither of these two has earned a thing. Jarrod by seven anyway.
Postgame Week 2 · vs Chris · W
Last week's recap closed by asking Chris to go fill his two empty starting slots. He did not. He played Week 2 with seven men again, no kicker and no defense, and lost by sixty-eight hundredths of a point. Any kicker in America wins him this game. Jonathan Taylor went for 33.1 and Kenneth Walker for 27.7, which is 60.8 from two running backs, and Chris still couldn't clear 81, because Kyler Murray was projected for zero and delivered exactly that and Nico Collins matched him. His optimal lineup was 97.7. Jarrod won this by doing nothing at all: 80.78 on a 108.4 projection, Jared Goff's 30.08 dragging a corpse, Puka Nacua sitting on his bench for 0.0.
Pregame Week 2 · vs Chris
Two empty slots, zero transactions, and a quarterback projected for nothing.
Chris has made exactly zero moves since the draft. Not one. He lost by 46.78 last week, the worst beating anybody took, and his response was to sit on his hands and leave the same two slots empty he left empty in Week 1: no kicker, no defense, just two black holes where points go to die. The quarterback is Kyler Murray, listed Questionable and projected for a flat 0.0, so the top of the lineup is worth as much as the bottom of it. Jarrod is 0-1 himself and finished dead fucking last at 3-11, and he has still beaten Chris twice, once 130.96 to 65.7. Jarrod by ten, and it's less humiliation than Chris has earned.
Postgame Week 1 · vs Jared · L
Jared won 126.66 to 113.72 because Derrick Henry decided to score 39.7 on a 20.9 projection, which is the only reason the trademark guy gets to be smug this week. Jaylen Waddle gave him 0.7 on a 15.2 projection and Harrison Mevis put up a single point, and he won by 12.94 anyway. Jarrod lost because his defense, Houston, scored a clean 0.0, and because his kicker Tyler Loop outscored his quarterback, 14.0 to Drake Maye's 13.02. He also started a tight end in a league with no tight end slot and had Jared Goff's 16.64 rotting on his bench. Puka Nacua: 10.9 on a 22.1 projection. Nothing about this was good football.
Pregame Week 1 · vs Jared
Jarrod graded out fourth-best in the draft, which is exactly the kind of thing a 3-11 team says.
Jared branded his fantasy team with a registered trademark symbol. An actual ®, on a 7-7 outfit that finished eighth and won two consolation games nobody watched. The robot handed him the best draft grade in the league anyway, docking him only for stashing a tight end in a league with zero tight end slots, so last Wednesday he quietly dumped Isaiah Likely for Jonah Coleman like a man clearing his browser history before the report card gets read out loud. Jarrod cannot enjoy any of that, because he went 3-11, finished dead last, and lost to Jared twice: 134.96 to 120.14, then 87.04 to 67.5, and that 67.5 was the worst goddamn game he played all year. He's got three Questionable starters and a tight end in a flex slot. Jared by ten, and he'll be unbearable about it.
