Pregame Week 6 · vs Ally
Beth won the title last year and is an underdog this week to the only D the robot handed out.
Beth went 10-4, won six straight to close it, and has the banner. This week her starting lineup holds Ja'Marr Chase, Sam LaPorta and Jake Bates, and every one of those teams is on bye, so she has volunteered three zeroes before a snap is played, while Jake Ferguson (8.6) and Kalif Raymond (7.4) sit on her bench with games. That is how the defending champion projects 101.6, the lowest of anyone in this league with a winning record, and gets installed as a twelve-point dog against a roster the robot ranked twelfth and graded D. Ally is no better: Jordyn Tyson, a rookie on injured reserve, is in her starting lineup again, a thing she now does on purpose every week. Chuba Hubbard (21.1) is benched behind Tony Pollard (14.1). Ally by twelve, and the LaPorta-Potty is backed up.
Postgame Week 5 · vs Nicole · W
Caleb Williams was ruled out before anybody set a lineup, and Beth started him at quarterback regardless and collected 0.0 for the trouble. She won by 16.36 anyway, because Malik Nabers went for 26.6, Kyren Williams 20.2, Sam LaPorta 18.3, and D'Andre Swift and Ja'Marr Chase both 17.7. Eight starters doing the work of nine. Nicole, meanwhile, had Jahmyr Gibbs go off for 42.2, the single biggest performance by any player in the league this week, and still lost, because Carnell Tate gave her 1.1, Dalton Kincaid 3.2 and Tee Higgins 3.7 while Emeka Egbuka's 15.3 sat on her bench. She was the favorite by 6.2. She got 42 from one man and couldn't scrape together 110. Goddamn.
Pregame Week 5 · vs Nicole
Caleb Williams is listed Out and projected 0.0, and he is Beth's starting quarterback.
Beth won this entire league last year. Ten and four, first in the regular season, six straight wins to finish it, a title game taken off Lauren. She is now 2-2 holding a C and the eleventh-ranked draft, and her starting quarterback Thursday is Caleb Williams, listed Out, projected 0.0. The defending champion is fielding a man who is not going to play football. Sam LaPorta is still in there too, in a league that has never had a tight end slot and did not grow one overnight, and Ja'Marr Chase is Questionable on top of it, so the floor underneath this lineup is a hole. Nicole has Jahmyr Gibbs at 32.0, the largest number anybody puts on the field this week, plus Ashton Jeanty and 544.12 points for. Banners don't throw passes. Nicole by seventeen.
Postgame Week 4 · vs Ryan · L
Four hundredths of a point. Beth lost by 0.04 with Sam LaPorta, the man her fucking team is named after, sitting on the bench scoring 20.4. Twenty point four. She needed 0.05. She beat her projection by 29 points, scored 147.46, the highest losing total in the league, got 36.8 out of Kyren Williams and 18.0 from a kicker, and lost anyway because she wouldn't start her namesake. Ryan survived on CeeDee Lamb's 37.9 and 29.1 from Emanuel Wilson while Parker Washington was projected 19.3 and scored 1.6. Ryan left 1.5 total on his bench. Beth left the entire margin plus twenty. That one's going to sting until January.
Pregame Week 4 · vs Ryan
Ryan has scored fifty more than anyone but himself and is 2-1 because a kicker beat him.
Ryan has 443.16 points for, nearly fifty clear of the field, and he is 2-1 because Jared beat him by 3.4 in a game where a kicker was Jared's fourth-best starter. That loss follows a man into October. His response this morning was to drop Dallas Goedert and add nobody at all, plus swapping out the Philadelphia defense that gave him a clean 2.0 for Minnesota's. Beth is the defending champion of this entire league and she won last week by thirty-eight hundredths of a point, which is not a win so much as a clerical error. She has made zero moves in eight days, still carries the C and the eleventh-ranked draft, and is still starting Sam LaPorta in a league that has never had a tight end slot. Ryan by eighteen and it should be thirty.
Postgame Week 3 · vs Jarrod · W
Last week's page roasted Beth for signing Bryce Young off waivers and then benching him. This week she started him, he gave her 13.64, and she survived by thirty-eight hundredths of a point, so consider the lesson half-learned and fully unearned. Kyren Williams went for 24.3 and Ja'Marr Chase for 22.8, and then the floor fell out: Nabers 6.1, LaPorta 6.4, Henderson 4.2, and the Seattle defense for a clean 2.0. Michael Wilson sat on her bench and scored 23.4, which is more than any human she started. Jarrod lost this with Justin Jefferson at 4.7 and Isaiah Likely at 2.8, and he can spend the rest of the season doing the math on 0.38. He won by 0.68 last week. The universe is just messing with him now.
Pregame Week 3 · vs Jarrod
The defending champion is starting a Doubtful quarterback projected for zero with the replacement on her bench.
Beth won this whole goddamn league and she is opening Week 3 with Caleb Williams, listed Doubtful, projected 0.0, in the one quarterback slot she owns. Tuesday she claimed Bryce Young off waivers, 17.4 points of functioning quarterback, and parked him on the bench. She solved her own problem and then refused to use the solution. That is the champion: 1-1, 99.72 last week against a 127.3 projection, still hauling around the three tight ends the robot docked her to a C and eleventh for. Jarrod finished dead fucking last at 3-11 and he is the favorite by seven, which should embarrass somebody in this game. He is also starting Romeo Doubs at 10.1 with Puka Nacua at 18.7 on his bench, so neither of these two has earned a thing. Jarrod by seven anyway.
Postgame Week 2 · vs Jared · L
Jared called this one by thirteen and won it by 29.02, and he gets to write the page about it, which is the whole problem with this arrangement. Amon-Ra St. Brown went for 33.2 and Jaylen Waddle for 20.8 while his kicker and his defense combined for 6.5 points, so let's not pretend this was craftsmanship. Beth handed it over. Caleb Williams gave her 9.72. Malik Nabers gave her 0.6. Michael Wilson gave her 3.3. Three starters, 13.62 points, less than Jake Ferguson scored alone on her bench at 18.8, with TreVeyon Henderson's 16.2 parked right next to him. The defending champion is 1-1 and her lineup is a suggestion box.
Pregame Week 2 · vs Jared
The defending champion is starting two tight ends in a league that starts none.
Beth won the whole goddamn thing last year and she is running Kyle Pitts and Sam LaPorta out in flex spots, still shopping for a position this league does not have. Worse than that: Malik Nabers is on her bench at 14.2 while Michael Wilson starts at 10.7. She won last week, so she'll tell you it works, and the robot still handed her a C and ranked her eleventh out of twelve. Jared is projected 132.2 with nine slots filled, nobody hurt, and the best draft grade in the league, a fact he has found ways to mention. Beth did take him 148.4 to 137.1 in week nine. It won't happen twice. Jared by thirteen, and then he gets to write the page about it.
Postgame Week 1 · vs Joey · W
Joey was projected for 140.1 and scored 101.26, which is a 38-point faceplant and the reason this counts as an upset. He started Justin Herbert for 14.26 and sat Patrick Mahomes and his 22.86 on the bench, and the man who runs this league left 24.2 points there in total. Terry McLaurin gave him 2.9 and Quentin Johnston gave him 2.7, and his second-leading scorer was the Jacksonville defense. Beth won 131.66 on the back of Caleb Williams, who put up 39.26, and D'Andre Swift, who added 35.2. She did start two tight ends in a league with zero tight end slots and they combined for 8.3, one of them a clean 0.0 from Kyle Pitts. Didn't matter. Joey beat himself.
Pregame Week 1 · vs Joey
Joey drafted two quarterbacks, two tight ends, and zero kickers, then had to go shopping.
Joey runs this league and drafted zero kickers, which is a fire marshal buying a house with no smoke detector. He patched it last Wednesday by signing Spencer Shrader and dropping Mark Andrews, swapping one position he can't start for another. He did steal Mahomes at 126, the best value of the draft, and the robot still ranked him eighth. Beth is the reigning champion, went 10-4, won her final six, then took three tight ends for a league with no tight end slot, which got her a C and eleventh out of twelve. Here's the stat both of you should sit with: Joey's highest score of 2025 and his lowest both came against Beth, 176.6 and 72.92. Joey by four, because four of her starters are Questionable and his kicker at least has a job.
