Pregame Week 6 · vs Joey
He is also 0-5, and this week his opponent is giving away the quarterback slot.
The commissioner has been the projected favorite in Weeks 1, 3, 4 and now 6. His record is 0-5, he has the most points against in the league at 752.20, and the only thing he has reliably beaten is the spread in the wrong direction. His path this week is paved for him: Chris is starting Kyler Murray at quarterback and Murray is on bye, as is Jameson Williams, while Matthew Golden (16.9) and Jalen Coker (13.7) sit on Chris's bench with games to play. Joey is not clean either. Chase Brown is in his lineup on a bye, and Patrick Mahomes, who Joey started last week while Kansas City sat out, projects 20.0 on the bench behind Justin Herbert at 14.1. Last year Chris took this one 125.1-120.46. Joey by thirteen, and if he loses this he should resign.
Postgame Week 5 · vs Ben · W
This was the ugliest hour of football anybody played on purpose. Chris won 103.46 to 84.26 and his leading scorer was Jason Myers, a kicker, at 23.0. He also left Kenneth Walker in his starting lineup on Kansas City's bye week, a zero that has been printed on the schedule since July, buried 29.1 more points on his bench including Matthew Golden's 19.8, watched the Chicago defense turn in 1.0, and won by 19.2 regardless. Ben replied with the lowest score in the league: 84.26, two tight ends in the lineup, 26.54 abandoned on the bench and Joe Burrow's 26.0 among it, worth more than any human he started. Saquon Barkley and DeVonta Smith both landed on 0.0, and that part was rotten luck. The rest was all his.
Pregame Week 5 · vs Ben
Four weeks of screaming at him worked, and his reward is being the favorite over a playoff team from last season.
Chris signed a kicker. Four straight weeks this page begged him and on October 1st he took Jason Myers and the Chicago defense and started fielding nine men like a functioning adult, and his reward is being favored over a team that made the winners bracket last year. He is 1-3 and he is the favorite, which says less about Chris than it does about Ben. Ben dropped De'Von Achane for Keaton Mitchell, and Mitchell is in the lineup Thursday at 12.4, next to Saquon Barkley at 0.0, next to George Kittle and Trey McBride, two tight ends, in a league with no tight end slot, for 105.8 projected. Joe Burrow sits on his bench at 19.8 while Brock Purdy starts at 17.4. Chris still has Kenneth Walker in his lineup and Kansas City is on bye this week, with MarShawn Lloyd sitting right behind him at 11.1, so nobody here is clean. Chris by nine.
Postgame Week 4 · vs Lauren · W
Chris dropped 155.08 on Lauren and won by 36.32, and it moves him all the way up to 1-3. Kenneth Walker 34.6, Nico Collins 28.8, Jonathan Taylor 26.2, Judkins 23.3 out of the flex, and he did it with Courtland Sutton giving him 1.4 and Jason Myers kicking for 5.0. That is a 155 with two dead slots. Lauren got 28.96 from Drake Maye and 23.3 from Zay Flowers and it bought her nothing, because Christian Watson went for 7.2 and her defense scored 6.0 and Tucker Kraft's 15.1 watched the whole thing from the bench. Both of these teams are 1-3. Only one of them deserves it.
Pregame Week 4 · vs Lauren
No kicker, no defense, two empty slots for the fourth straight week, 0-3, and the projections still like him.
Four weeks. Zero transactions. No kicker, no defense, the same two empty starting slots that have been empty since the season began, 0-3, 257.84 points for and dead last in a twelve-team league. And Chris is the favorite in this game. Read that again, Lauren. A man fielding seven players is projected to beat you by six. He also has Jalen Coker at 15.6 and Matthew Golden at 13.2 rotting on his bench while Courtland Sutton starts at 10.7, the third straight week of the identical mistake, and he is still favored. Lauren's last outing produced a Green Bay defense that scored negative two and a kicker who managed 1.5. She has since made five moves, including signing a tight end, and it bought her one win. Chris by six with a hole where his kicker goes.
Postgame Week 3 · vs Morgan · L
The last two recaps ended by begging Chris to sign a kicker. He has not. Week 3, two empty starting slots, no kicker, no defense, zero transactions since draft night, and a 73.92 that is the worst score of the season by anybody. He lost by 61.02. Kenneth Walker did his part with 23.6 and Matthew Golden put up 20.0 on the bench while Courtland Sutton started for 7.6, and one of his nine slots produced a 0.0 off a projection of exactly zero, which means the lineup told him and he did it anyway. Morgan is 3-0 and never had to work: James Cook 25.3, Jordan Addison 18.5 off a 10.0 projection, Denver's defense 14.0, and Bo Nix wasting 25.04 on her bench. Chris is 0-3 with 257.84 points for. Fill the fucking slots.
Pregame Week 3 · vs Morgan
Chris is 0-2 with the fewest points in the league and has still never touched his roster.
Week three. Zero transactions. Not one add, not one drop, not since draft night, and the same two starting slots empty that were empty in Week 1: no kicker, no defense, just holes where points are supposed to go. Chris has 183.92 points for, dead last in a twelve-team league, and he scored 80.1 last week, the kind of number that ends a season in September. He closed last year on an eight-game losing streak, so this is not a slump, this is who he is now. Jalen Coker sits on his bench at 15.0 while Courtland Sutton starts at 11.1, because obviously. Morgan is 2-0 having scored 106.5 against a 146.2 projection, which means she is winning by accident and it counts exactly the same. Morgan by eight. Fill the fucking slots, Chris.
Postgame Week 2 · vs Jarrod · L
Last week's recap closed by asking Chris to go fill his two empty starting slots. He did not. He played Week 2 with seven men again, no kicker and no defense, and lost by sixty-eight hundredths of a point. Any kicker in America wins him this game. Jonathan Taylor went for 33.1 and Kenneth Walker for 27.7, which is 60.8 from two running backs, and Chris still couldn't clear 81, because Kyler Murray was projected for zero and delivered exactly that and Nico Collins matched him. His optimal lineup was 97.7. Jarrod won this by doing nothing at all: 80.78 on a 108.4 projection, Jared Goff's 30.08 dragging a corpse, Puka Nacua sitting on his bench for 0.0.
Pregame Week 2 · vs Jarrod
Two empty slots, zero transactions, and a quarterback projected for nothing.
Chris has made exactly zero moves since the draft. Not one. He lost by 46.78 last week, the worst beating anybody took, and his response was to sit on his hands and leave the same two slots empty he left empty in Week 1: no kicker, no defense, just two black holes where points go to die. The quarterback is Kyler Murray, listed Questionable and projected for a flat 0.0, so the top of the lineup is worth as much as the bottom of it. Jarrod is 0-1 himself and finished dead fucking last at 3-11, and he has still beaten Chris twice, once 130.96 to 65.7. Jarrod by ten, and it's less humiliation than Chris has earned.
Postgame Week 1 · vs Holli · L
Holli put up 150.6, the best score in the league, and Chris answered with 103.82 and two empty starting slots he had a full week to fill and didn't. His quarterback, Kyler Murray, got hurt and finished at negative zero point one eight. Kenneth Walker went for 38.9 and Jonathan Taylor for 28.0 and it was all completely fucking wasted, because 42.4 points sat on his bench, including Jalen Coker's 31.8. His optimal lineup, every decision reversed, was 146.22. Holli's actual score was 150.6. He could not have won this game if he'd played it twice. Bijan gave her 33.4 and she coasted.
Pregame Week 1 · vs Holli
No kicker, no defense, and about twenty-four hours to notice.
Chris did not draft a kicker. Chris did not draft a defense. Both of those holes are still sitting there tonight, a day before the season starts, which means unless he wakes the hell up he is spotting Holli two zeroes before a football gets thrown. The parts he did fill are also wrong: Jayden Reed is projected 10.9 on his bench while Courtland Sutton starts at 8.8. He never bothered to name the team either, which tracks for a guy who lost his last eight games of 2025, finished tenth, and bottomed out at 65.7. Holli went 8-6, took third, and beat him 129.0 to 95.42 in week eleven without appearing to concentrate. She reached on Javonte Williams in the third and it still won't matter. Holli by seventeen. Fill your fucking roster, Chris.
