Pregame Week 6 · vs Holli
First place against second place, 1.9 projected points apart, and the leader has an empty defense slot.
Both of these teams are 4-1. Holli has an empty starting slot where a defense goes, because she claimed Kansas City off waivers this morning and never put them in the lineup, and Deebo Samuel is sitting in a starting spot listed Out and projected 0.0 while Wan'Dale Robinson (11.6), Stefon Diggs (10.7) and Ladd McConkey (9.5) rot on her bench. She is fielding eight players and a hole, and she is still the favorite, 127.4 to 125.5. Jared has the best draft grade in the league, an A-, and his entire week of effort was claiming Matt Gay off waivers, a kicker Morgan had already thrown in the trash. That is the author of this page: number one draft, nine playing starters, and a dog to a woman who hasn't finished setting her lineup. Holli by two.
Postgame Week 5 · vs Ally · W
Four of Ally's starters scored exactly 0.0, and three of those she picked out herself: Tetairoa McMillan and Travis Kelce were both on bye, Carolina and Kansas City idle all week, and Jordyn Tyson was sitting on injured reserve the whole time. The fourth was the Indianapolis defense, which just felt like it. Josh Allen's 34.5 and Tyler Warren's 20.0 made up 63 percent of her entire 86.4. Jared, who writes this page and has never once been humble about it, scored 152.26 with a bench that produced negative 0.16 points, got 36.8 from Jaylen Warren and 34.16 from Jayden Daniels, and won by 65.86 while his own kicker gave him 3.5. He is 4-1 and absolutely unbearable about it.
Pregame Week 5 · vs Ally
Fifth straight week with a man on injured reserve in the lineup, and now he has company.
Five weeks. Jordyn Tyson is still on injured reserve, still in Ally's starting lineup, still projected 0.0, and this week he has brought friends: Tetairoa McMillan and Travis Kelce, both on bye, both still starting. Carolina and Kansas City are not playing football this week and nobody has told Ally. Three starters, three zeroes, two tight ends in a league that starts none, 78.0 projected points for an entire roster. Seventy-eight. The robot handed her a D, ranked her twelfth, and she has made zero transactions all season, which stopped being laziness around week three and is now a position she holds. Jared, the dumbass who writes this page, is starting Tyler Shough at 16.0 with Jayden Daniels at 19.8 on his own bench, so he is not clean either. He is just the one playing a team that brought seventy-eight points to a gunfight. Jared by fifty-three, the week's widest gap, and he earned none of it.
Postgame Week 4 · vs Nicole · L
Jared was projected for 151.0, the highest number on the board, and scored 107.74. Forty-three points of pure nothing. Rashee Rice posted a 0.0 in a starting slot, Amon-Ra St. Brown gave him 13.5, and his bench had 8.4 points on it total, so there was no bailout available because he built a roster with no floor and no ceiling and called it Agentic Fantasy Flows. Nicole beat him by 41.66 with Kyle Monangai, who was projected 11.7 and scored 33.5, and she did it while her tight end scored 1.2 and her defense scored 2.0. He also picked himself to win this game in pick'em. Three and one, and he has no business being there.
Pregame Week 4 · vs Nicole
One transaction all season, the league's highest projection, and and a 1-2 opponent who outscored the entire league last week.
Jared is 3-0, projected 152.4, the biggest number on the board, and he has made exactly one transaction since August: he scraped Tyler Shough off the free agent pile on the twenty-third and Shough promptly threw for 24.4 and won him a game he was projected to lose by thirty. That is not management. That is a man falling down a staircase and landing in a chair, and he will still tell you about the A-minus. Nicole scored 156.02 last week, the best number in the league, and is 1-2 with 453.24 points against, second only to the winless commissioner, and her prize is the guy who writes this page. She signed Kirk Cousins and is starting him at 15.0, the lowest quarterback projection of the week. Jared by fifteen he did not earn.
Postgame Week 3 · vs Ryan · W
The preview called Ryan by thirty and promised Jared would eat it. Jared won by 3.4 and now gets to type this sentence himself, which is the single most obnoxious outcome available to this league. He played a mathematically perfect lineup, 0.0 left on the bench, the only manager to do it, and got 25.0 from Derrick Henry, 24.4 from Tyler Shough and 24.3 from Jaylen Warren, with Harrison Mevis kicking in 16.0 as his fourth-best starter. That's a kicker. Ryan was projected 148.3, the highest number in the league, got 33.86 out of Jaxon Smith-Njigba, and still lost because the Philadelphia defense handed him 2.0 and Jadarian Price scraped together 2.2. Jared is 3-0. He has made zero transactions all season and he will not shut up about the A-minus.
Pregame Week 3 · vs Ryan
Jared's A-minus roster starts a Doubtful quarterback at 0.0 and he does not own another one.
Jared has told everybody within earshot about his A-minus and his first-place draft grade, and here is what it bought him: Jayden Daniels, Doubtful, projected 0.0, in the only quarterback slot, with nothing behind him because he never drafted a second one and has not made a single transaction all season. Beth at least went out and claimed a quarterback. Jared sat there and admired his grade. He is 2-0 on 255.4 points and this is the week the math comes to collect: Ryan is projected 148.6, the highest number in the league, put up 177.36 last week, and buried Jared 165.56 to 96.66 in Week 12 last year. Ryan's nine starters are filled and healthy and he has not had to touch a thing. Ryan by thirty, and the guy who writes this page eats it.
Postgame Week 2 · vs Beth · W
Jared called this one by thirteen and won it by 29.02, and he gets to write the page about it, which is the whole problem with this arrangement. Amon-Ra St. Brown went for 33.2 and Jaylen Waddle for 20.8 while his kicker and his defense combined for 6.5 points, so let's not pretend this was craftsmanship. Beth handed it over. Caleb Williams gave her 9.72. Malik Nabers gave her 0.6. Michael Wilson gave her 3.3. Three starters, 13.62 points, less than Jake Ferguson scored alone on her bench at 18.8, with TreVeyon Henderson's 16.2 parked right next to him. The defending champion is 1-1 and her lineup is a suggestion box.
Pregame Week 2 · vs Beth
The defending champion is starting two tight ends in a league that starts none.
Beth won the whole goddamn thing last year and she is running Kyle Pitts and Sam LaPorta out in flex spots, still shopping for a position this league does not have. Worse than that: Malik Nabers is on her bench at 14.2 while Michael Wilson starts at 10.7. She won last week, so she'll tell you it works, and the robot still handed her a C and ranked her eleventh out of twelve. Jared is projected 132.2 with nine slots filled, nobody hurt, and the best draft grade in the league, a fact he has found ways to mention. Beth did take him 148.4 to 137.1 in week nine. It won't happen twice. Jared by thirteen, and then he gets to write the page about it.
Postgame Week 1 · vs Jarrod · W
Jared won 126.66 to 113.72 because Derrick Henry decided to score 39.7 on a 20.9 projection, which is the only reason the trademark guy gets to be smug this week. Jaylen Waddle gave him 0.7 on a 15.2 projection and Harrison Mevis put up a single point, and he won by 12.94 anyway. Jarrod lost because his defense, Houston, scored a clean 0.0, and because his kicker Tyler Loop outscored his quarterback, 14.0 to Drake Maye's 13.02. He also started a tight end in a league with no tight end slot and had Jared Goff's 16.64 rotting on his bench. Puka Nacua: 10.9 on a 22.1 projection. Nothing about this was good football.
Pregame Week 1 · vs Jarrod
Jarrod graded out fourth-best in the draft, which is exactly the kind of thing a 3-11 team says.
Jared branded his fantasy team with a registered trademark symbol. An actual ®, on a 7-7 outfit that finished eighth and won two consolation games nobody watched. The robot handed him the best draft grade in the league anyway, docking him only for stashing a tight end in a league with zero tight end slots, so last Wednesday he quietly dumped Isaiah Likely for Jonah Coleman like a man clearing his browser history before the report card gets read out loud. Jarrod cannot enjoy any of that, because he went 3-11, finished dead last, and lost to Jared twice: 134.96 to 120.14, then 87.04 to 67.5, and that 67.5 was the worst goddamn game he played all year. He's got three Questionable starters and a tight end in a flex slot. Jared by ten, and he'll be unbearable about it.
