Pregame Week 6 · vs Chris
He is also 0-5, and this week his opponent is giving away the quarterback slot.
The commissioner has been the projected favorite in Weeks 1, 3, 4 and now 6. His record is 0-5, he has the most points against in the league at 752.20, and the only thing he has reliably beaten is the spread in the wrong direction. His path this week is paved for him: Chris is starting Kyler Murray at quarterback and Murray is on bye, as is Jameson Williams, while Matthew Golden (16.9) and Jalen Coker (13.7) sit on Chris's bench with games to play. Joey is not clean either. Chase Brown is in his lineup on a bye, and Patrick Mahomes, who Joey started last week while Kansas City sat out, projects 20.0 on the bench behind Justin Herbert at 14.1. Last year Chris took this one 125.1-120.46. Joey by thirteen, and if he loses this he should resign.
Postgame Week 5 · vs Holli · L
Joey put up 139.94, the highest losing total of the week and more than three of the six winners managed, and the commissioner is 0-5. Garrett Wilson gave him 21.4, Brock Bowers 21.0, and Spencer Shrader, a kicker, also 21.0, tied for the best thing on his roster. Justin Herbert managed 11.84, Chase Brown 7.8 against a 22.0 projection, and Ollie Gordon's 19.1 sat on the bench with 11.3 in friends. None of it mattered, because Holli went off: 160.44, the league high, 35.1 from Bucky Irving, 28.9 from Isaiah Likely, 22.54 from Trevor Lawrence, and 30 more from a kicker and a defense. Five weeks, five losses, a team called Team Ass. The name is carrying the whole joke now.
Pregame Week 5 · vs Holli
Joey is 0-4 with the most points against in the league, and his starting quarterback's team has the week off.
The man who runs this league is 0-4 and has given up 591.76 points, more incoming fire than anyone else in this league this season, and his starting quarterback right now is Patrick Mahomes, who is on bye, while Justin Herbert sits on his bench at 15.7. Kansas City does not play this week. That has been on the schedule since May. Pick 126, the best value of the entire draft, parked in the lineup for a week his team has off, by the guy who enforces the rules. He is also running Jacory Croskey-Merritt at 12.3 with Ollie Gordon at 17.1 and Rhamondre Stevenson at 16.3 behind him, so that's three decisions all pointing at the same shit outcome. Holli's own defense is Kansas City, same bye, same zero, which any other week would be this whole paragraph, and this week it doesn't crack Joey's top five problems. Joey beat her twice last year and then lost to her in the playoffs anyway. Both of them have until kickoff to fix it and only one of them is 0-4. Holli by twenty-one. Team Ass, 0-5.
Postgame Week 4 · vs Ally · L
Zero and four. The commissioner of this league has not won a football game in a month. He was projected 135.4, scored 103.9, started Terry McLaurin for a 0.0, got 4.7 out of Garrett Wilson, and his second-leading scorer was Spencer Shrader, a kicker, at 16.0. Rhamondre Stevenson and his 19.7 sat on the bench while that happened. Ally beat him by 22.82 while starting Jordyn Tyson on IR for a guaranteed zero and leaving 27.9 on her bench, which is the real story here: Joey lost to a team playing with eight men and a 41.2 from Tetairoa McMillan. Team Ass. Correctly named, at least.
Pregame Week 4 · vs Ally
Joey signed the Bengals on Sunday, dropped them Monday, and now starts eight men. He is still favored by twenty-nine.
The man who runs this league signed the Cincinnati defense on Sunday and cut it on Monday for Ollie Gordon, so Joey takes the field Thursday with an empty starting slot, which is the exact goddamn crime this page has been screaming at Chris about since the first week of September. Joey is 0-3 with 343.58 points for and 465.04 against, more incoming fire than anyone has absorbed, and last week he scored 148.04 and lost. Ally is in week four of starting a receiver on injured reserve, Jordyn Tyson, projected 0.0, in her lineup every single week of this season. Still zero transactions all year. Chuba Hubbard sits at 20.2 behind Tony Pollard at 13.0. Joey beat her 133.14 to 39.22 last season. Joey by twenty-nine and it still won't feel like winning.
Postgame Week 3 · vs Nicole · L
The commissioner finally did the thing this page has demanded for two straight weeks: he started Patrick Mahomes. Mahomes gave him 16.04. Brock Bowers gave him 25.6, Garrett Wilson 24.2, Christian McCaffrey 24.1, and Spencer Shrader booted 17.0, and Joey put up 148.04, higher than five of the six winners. He is 0-3. He left 2.0 on his bench, made every correct call available to him, and lost by 7.98 because Nicole hung 156.02 on him with Jahmyr Gibbs scoring 43.9 by himself and Drake London adding 26.4 off a 14.2 projection. Nicole is the only other person who knows what 148 and a loss feels like, having done it in Week 1 at 148.3, and she handed the experience to the man who runs the place. Joey fixed his lineup and the scoreboard told him to go to hell.
Pregame Week 3 · vs Nicole
Winless against winless, and both of them are starting a quarterback projected for nothing.
Joey left 21.9 points on his bench last week and the fattest piece of it was Patrick Mahomes, who scored 29.68 while Joey watched from behind Justin Herbert. This week Mahomes is on the bench again, projected 23.2, still behind Herbert at 17.6. Same crime, seven days later, committed by the man who runs the league. He also signed Michael Mayer, a third tight end for a league with no tight end slot, and then cut him a week later, which at least resembles learning. Alec Pierce is Doubtful at 0.0 and in the lineup with Quentin Johnston at 9.7 sitting behind him. Nicole is the mirror image: second-best draft grade in the league, 0-2, 305.2 points against, and Jaxson Dart at 0.0 with nothing behind him either. Joey by four, and one of these two has to lose.
Postgame Week 2 · vs Ryan · L
Ryan scored 177.36 and his top three, Jaxon Smith-Njigba at 40.5, CeeDee Lamb at 33.8 and Dak Prescott at 31.16, outscored Joey's entire lineup by eleven points on their own. Final margin 83.08. And Joey did it to himself in precisely the way he did it last week: Patrick Mahomes scored 29.68 on his bench while Justin Herbert started and coughed up 8.18. Same crime, seven days later, nothing learned. Twenty-one point nine left sitting there, the most in the league, and Spencer Shrader, a kicker, was the second-best thing on his roster. Brock Bowers contributed a clean zero from the bench for flavor. The commissioner is 0-2 and his team name has never been more accurate.
Pregame Week 2 · vs Ryan
Two quarterbacks, three tight ends, and a bench that outscores the lineup.
Joey drafted two quarterbacks, two tight ends and zero kickers, and then on Sunday he signed Michael Mayer, a third tight end, for a league that starts none of them. That's the commissioner reading his own rules and deciding they were suggestions. He scored 101.26 and lost by thirty, and Alec Pierce is parked on his bench at 13.0 so Quentin Johnston can start at 10.6. Ryan hung 131.5 on Ben and claimed Brandon Aubrey the second Lauren dropped him, the only decisive thing anyone in this league did all week. Joey did end Ryan's season 126.18 to 113.5 in the winners bracket, and Ryan has not let go of it. Ryan by ten. Run the league, Joey, don't collect for it.
Postgame Week 1 · vs Beth · L
Joey was projected for 140.1 and scored 101.26, which is a 38-point faceplant and the reason this counts as an upset. He started Justin Herbert for 14.26 and sat Patrick Mahomes and his 22.86 on the bench, and the man who runs this league left 24.2 points there in total. Terry McLaurin gave him 2.9 and Quentin Johnston gave him 2.7, and his second-leading scorer was the Jacksonville defense. Beth won 131.66 on the back of Caleb Williams, who put up 39.26, and D'Andre Swift, who added 35.2. She did start two tight ends in a league with zero tight end slots and they combined for 8.3, one of them a clean 0.0 from Kyle Pitts. Didn't matter. Joey beat himself.
Pregame Week 1 · vs Beth
Joey drafted two quarterbacks, two tight ends, and zero kickers, then had to go shopping.
Joey runs this league and drafted zero kickers, which is a fire marshal buying a house with no smoke detector. He patched it last Wednesday by signing Spencer Shrader and dropping Mark Andrews, swapping one position he can't start for another. He did steal Mahomes at 126, the best value of the draft, and the robot still ranked him eighth. Beth is the reigning champion, went 10-4, won her final six, then took three tight ends for a league with no tight end slot, which got her a C and eleventh out of twelve. Here's the stat both of you should sit with: Joey's highest score of 2025 and his lowest both came against Beth, 176.6 and 72.92. Joey by four, because four of her starters are Questionable and his kicker at least has a job.
