Pregame Week 6 · vs Jarrod
Tuesday morning he had Alvin Kamara. Tuesday afternoon he had a 16-point quarterback and no Kamara.
Read that move again, because it deserves it: Jarrod went to the waiver wire, claimed Aaron Rodgers, and dropped Alvin Kamara to make room for him. Rodgers projects 16.0, which is fewer points than Lauren's entire lineup will score by halftime, and the roster spot Kamara used to occupy now holds a quarterback who was in the league before Jarrod could drive. He is also starting Dontayvion Wicks at 6.4, less than Lauren's kicker, with DJ Moore Questionable behind him. Lauren is 2-3 and still projects 137.7 to his 112.9, because she fields nine men who are trying. The last time these two met was Week 6 of last season: she hung 130.26 on him, he coughed up 96.52, and he finished that year 3-11 and dead last. Lauren by 25.
Postgame Week 5 · vs Morgan · W
Lauren was projected for 121.3 and scored 156.96, the second-highest total of the week, and she left exactly 0.0 points on her bench. A clean lineup. From Lauren. Drake Maye threw for 40.16, Christian Watson added 29.8, Mike Evans 25.3, and Jalen Hurts sat there with 13.2 because she didn't need him. Morgan scored 127.38, which wins most weeks in this league, and got 27.3 from James Cook, 26.48 from Jacoby Brissett and 26.0 from George Pickens. Then David Montgomery handed her 1.6 and Colston Loveland 3.4, a tight end, in a league that has never had a tight end slot. Morgan filed picks in five of six games this week. The one she skipped was her own. She lost it by 29.58.
Pregame Week 5 · vs Morgan
Last week this page said she was winning by leaving the room. She read it, lost, and panicked at a vending machine.
Last week this page said Morgan hadn't touched her team since draft night and was winning by doing absolutely fuck-all. She read that, lost, and spent this morning making three moves. The Browns defense she signed last Thursday, dropped for Cincinnati's. Matt Gay, dropped for Evan McPherson. Then Harrison Butker dropped to sign Matt Gay back. She cut a kicker and re-signed him inside the same hour, which is not roster management, that is a woman standing at a vending machine hitting the same button and getting angrier. And she is still favored, because Lauren is 1-3, on an L3, has 579.28 points against her, and is starting Woody Marks at 11.8 with Breece Hall sitting on her bench at 17.6. Woody fucking Marks. A 10-4 runner-up last year is now losing to churn. Morgan by eight.
Postgame Week 4 · vs Chris · L
Chris dropped 155.08 on Lauren and won by 36.32, and it moves him all the way up to 1-3. Kenneth Walker 34.6, Nico Collins 28.8, Jonathan Taylor 26.2, Judkins 23.3 out of the flex, and he did it with Courtland Sutton giving him 1.4 and Jason Myers kicking for 5.0. That is a 155 with two dead slots. Lauren got 28.96 from Drake Maye and 23.3 from Zay Flowers and it bought her nothing, because Christian Watson went for 7.2 and her defense scored 6.0 and Tucker Kraft's 15.1 watched the whole thing from the bench. Both of these teams are 1-3. Only one of them deserves it.
Pregame Week 4 · vs Chris
No kicker, no defense, two empty slots for the fourth straight week, 0-3, and the projections still like him.
Four weeks. Zero transactions. No kicker, no defense, the same two empty starting slots that have been empty since the season began, 0-3, 257.84 points for and dead last in a twelve-team league. And Chris is the favorite in this game. Read that again, Lauren. A man fielding seven players is projected to beat you by six. He also has Jalen Coker at 15.6 and Matthew Golden at 13.2 rotting on his bench while Courtland Sutton starts at 10.7, the third straight week of the identical mistake, and he is still favored. Lauren's last outing produced a Green Bay defense that scored negative two and a kicker who managed 1.5. She has since made five moves, including signing a tight end, and it bought her one win. Chris by six with a hole where his kicker goes.
Postgame Week 3 · vs Holli · L
Holli was projected 137.8 and hit 145.58 seven days after scoring 65.76, which makes her the least predictable thing in this league and impossible to plan around. Bijan Robinson went for 42.2 after giving her 12.2 last week. Javonte Williams added 22.7 after giving her 7.7. Same two men, a hundred percent more effort. Lauren's answer was 86.02, and the highlight reel is that the Green Bay defense scored negative two points, an actual subtraction, and Trey Smack the kicker contributed 1.5, so her kicker and defense together were worth negative half a point. Jalen Hurts, the quarterback she spent the thirteenth overall pick on in a one-quarterback league, gave her 14.02. Harold Fannin put up 21.1 on the bench, more than anybody she started except Christian Watson. Fifty-nine point five six.
Pregame Week 3 · vs Holli
The lowest score in the league last week came off the second-highest projection.
Holli was projected 142.2 and scored 65.76. Seventy-six points of nothing, the worst score in the league, out of a roster everybody agreed was good. That is not bad luck, that is a team quitting on a Sunday afternoon. Here is the one thing she has fixed: for the first time all season there are no empty starting slots, so the woman who spent two weeks fielding seven and eight players has finally learned to count to nine. Lauren has not. She has a slot sitting empty and Zay Flowers at 18.7 rotting on her bench behind Xavier Worthy at 11.9, and she still spent the thirteenth overall pick on a quarterback in a league that starts one. Holli took her 144.24 to 89.4 last year. Holli by twenty-four, assuming she shows up this time.
Postgame Week 2 · vs Ally · L
The preview had Lauren by thirty-four. Lauren lost by 19.66 and did not make one wrong decision doing it: she left 0.0 points on her bench, the only manager in this league to play a mathematically perfect lineup, and it bought her absolutely nothing. Ally beat her while starting Jordyn Tyson, who is on injured reserve, for a clean 0.0. Second straight week, same man, same zero, still zero transactions all season. Josh Allen went for 45.22 and Travis Kelce for 23.6 and that was the entire plan. She also had Matthew Stafford's 27.38 rotting on the bench, a second quarterback in a one-quarterback league, alongside a second kicker. It keeps fucking working and it shouldn't.
Pregame Week 2 · vs Ally
Second straight week with an injured reserve receiver in the lineup and no moves made.
Jordyn Tyson is on injured reserve, projected 0.0, and in Ally's starting lineup for the second week running. She has made no transactions. None. Not one add, not one drop, while a dead slot sits there and Chuba Hubbard rots on the bench at 16.3 so Bhayshul Tuten can start at 11.6. She runs two tight ends as well, because obviously, in the league with no tight end slot. She lost by 0.40 last week. Point four. One functioning roster spot was the whole difference, and she looked at it and did nothing. Lauren is no oracle either, she burned the thirteenth overall pick on a quarterback and survived her opener by 1.32. Lauren by thirty-four. Fix your fucking lineup, Ally.
Postgame Week 1 · vs Nicole · W
Lauren won 149.62 to 148.3 and Nicole has to live with that. Jahmyr Gibbs went for 40.5, Ashton Jeanty for 35.5, Jaxson Dart for 29.7: that is 105.7 from three players, the best top-three in the league, and she lost by 1.32 goddamn points. Why? Drake London 5.1, Tee Higgins 8.9, Cameron Dicker 2.0, and 27.5 points left on the bench including Kyle Monangai's 21.4. Her optimal lineup was 175.8. Lauren won it with Christian Watson at 31.2, Jalen Hurts at 26.42, and 25.5 from Zay Flowers, who got hurt along the way. Her defense scored one point and she won anyway.
Pregame Week 1 · vs Nicole
Highest projected total in the league, a second-year quarterback, and a defense she signed last week.
Nicole has the top projected score of anyone this week at 116.0 and the second-best draft grade, and none of that has ever done a thing for her against Lauren, who beat her twice last year and held her to 74.6 and 77.24. The 74.6 was the worst week Nicole had all season. Her quarterback is second-year Jaxson Dart because he is the only one she drafted, she was so short a defense that she signed the Lions last Wednesday, dropping Tyler Allgeier, and four starters plus her kicker are Questionable. Lauren is no cleaner: she burned the thirteenth overall pick on Jalen Hurts in a one-quarterback league, earned a C+, went 10-4, and lost the goddamn title game. Nicole by nine, and if she blows this one too she should just mail Lauren the trophy.
